Dominance/submission (a.k.a. Dom/sub, Ds, D/s, and D&s) is generally described as a type of play in which one person exercises control over another. Unfortunately, this definition over-simplifies ideas of power, potentially leading to misconceptions of D/s. It also neglects the many complexities and possibilities involved with how D/s may manifest within a relationship. Nevertheless, it seems that any definition of D/s would require some disclaimers and footnotes. So, rather than conjuring up another description, we’ll instead give you a quick ‘101’ on what we definitely know D/s is not.

Top 6 Myths about Dominance/submission:

(1) D/s is strictly kink. For some people, D/s can translate into ‘kinky sex’ or sadomasochism. (Think bondage, master/slave role play, verbal humiliation, etc.) Yet, for many others, D/s fits perfectly into their ‘vanilla’ sex lives. (Think delaying orgasm, giving orders, light spanking, and so on.) There is truly an entire spectrum of activities, which people may consider to fall under the category of D/s. Resist the urge to pigeon-hole!

(2) D/s is strictly physical. Physical contact does not actually have to be a component or goal of D/s. In fact, some individuals partaking in D/s may never even meet their partners in person. (Non-physical examples could include communication through phone calls and emails.)

(3) The role you play in D/s shows whether you’re normally dominant or submissive. In some situations, dominant lovers consider themselves to be generally dominant people, and likewise. However, for others, it can be the reverse. For instance, some individuals who feel they must normally exemplify strength and dominance enjoy being sexually submissive as a type of break from reality. This myth gets a bit sticky to explain, as the exact motivation(s) behind any person’s preference is normally unknown.

(4) One person is always dominant; the other is always submissive. Many people enjoy both roles and regularly switch back-and-forth within individual sessions or throughout their relationships (thus acquiring the nickname ‘switch.’) Also, some individuals are submissive with one partner and dominant with the next. D/s roles do not have to be set in stone.

(5) Dominant lovers are inherently cruel. Most people who are into D/s report the opposite. ‘Doms’ need to be well-educated on how to pleasure (and not seriously hurt) their partners. Therefore, many spend a great deal of time researching before they try anything out. Some even choose to have the acts performed on themselves beforehand for some good, old-fashioned trial-and-error experimentation. D/s can obviously involve a great deal of trust. It’s for this reason that many people find dominant partners to actually be quite caring and thoughtful in sexual relationships.

(6) D/s is abusive. D/s relationships should not be unhealthy. It’s important to note that D/s must be consensual. The roles and conditions may be designated through conversation, or actual written contracts can be utilized. (This does not mean that you can’t back out!) Also, ‘safe-words’ are frequently used to ensure that both partners are aware of when they need to stop (see our past article on sexual communication). With that being said, some D/s relationships, like any other type of relationship, can become unhealthy or abusive. If this is the case, you should stop and seek professional help, if necessary.

To find out how our Cherry Dishers view D/s and power relations, check out the following videos:

Sex & Power

Sexual Power Plays

There are many myths about anal sex which need to be put to rest. First of all, it’s not just for homosexual couples. Anal sex is, in fact, practiced by every gender and sexual orientation. Secondly, anal sex does not only designate penile-anal sex. There are many different types of anal play, involving the penis, tongue, fists, fingers, dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, anal beads, and so on. Thirdly, anal sex is not necessarily a dangerous activity. Like with any other type of sexual play, risks can certainly be reduced through education and safety precautions. In this article, you’ll learn more about some of the different types of anal sex as well as how to reduce the risks involved with each.

How-To Reduce the Risks of Anal Sex

Barebacking: Sex without a condom. (This frequently refers to insertion of the penis into the anus.) Barebacking is generally considered to be a high-risk activity, due to the potential of transmitting STDs and HIV, as well as tearing muscle. (Note: By tearing muscle, one will be even more susceptible to STDs and HIV).
Risk Reduction:
(a) As Ducky says, make sure to load up on the lube to prevent muscle tear. If you think you put too much on, you should probably put on more. Lubricated condoms are not enough on their own.
(b) Always use a condom to reduce risks of STDs and HIV.  Do not move the condom from the anus to the vagina.  You’ll need to switch condoms in between.  Also, stay away from condoms with spermicide. These can seriously irritate the rectum.

Rimming: Oral stimulation of the anus. Like other types of oral sex, you’ll run the risk of STD transmission. In regards to HIV, it’s hypothetically possible that blood could be in the stool or on the anus, which could transmit HIV. It’s probably a good idea to use a barrier method, just in case.
Risk Reduction:
(a) Use a dental dam to lower the risk of STDs and HIV. Spread the latex barrier out between both hands, covering the area you plan on stimulating.
(b) Some doctors have also recommended cutting a condom lengthwise. Of course, using a knife or scissor on a condom increases the risk of accidently poking a hole. Yet, if you don’t have access to a dental dam, this may be a good option.

Fisting: Inserting the first into any orifice of the body (including anus, vagina, and mouth.) Fisting can be a high-risk behavior, due to the potential of tearing muscle. It can also involve the transmission of STDs.
Risk Reduction:
(a) Relax/breathe slowly/communicate. This activity requires considerable trust. Many couples begin with just one finger and slowly work up to the entire fist. Don’t rush into this! And, like Ducky says, if it hurts, you need to stop.
(b) Wear latex gloves to reduce the risk of spreading STDs.
(c) Whether or not you use a glove, make sure to cut your fingernails and keep your hands clean. Long nails can tear the glove and/or muscle tissue.

By reviewing this list, you should have a general idea of the main types of health risks involved with anal sex [i.e. the transmission of STDs and HIV/muscle tear]. As you can see, most of these risks can be reduced through the use of lube, condoms, and open-communication.

Check out our videos to find out more about precautions and perks of anal play:
How To Have Safe Anal Sex
Anal Sex FAQs
Anal Sex Mess
Anal Sex Toys

It’s no new breakthrough that communication can improve sex lives.  However, it’s not always easier said than done, as the saying goes.  Many people feel uneasy speaking about sex with their partners for a variety of reasons.  Some simply want to avoid hurting their loved ones’ feelings.  Others feel awkward taking the more demanding role within the relationship.  For whatever reason, it’s totally common to struggle with sexual communication.  Even our Cherry Dishers, who normally have no problem kissing and telling, sometimes find themselves speechless in the bedroom.  Luckily, a little communication can go a long way.  Here’s a few tips for incorporating positive sexual communication into your relationship.

How-To Improve Your Sexual Communication

(1) Integrate the yes/no’s.  Sexual communication doesn’t have to mean giving drawn-out, convoluted speeches.  Certainly, if you and your partner feel comfortable getting into the nitty-gritty details, go for it!  However, if this doesn’t seem like a viable option, look for yes-or-no answers.  For instance, ask questions such as “Does this feel good?”  “Would you like it harder/softer?” and so on.  This will help take the pressure off your partner and may encourage him or her to take a similar approach when it’s your turn.

(2) Use constructive criticism.  As discussed in this episode, it’s very important how you approach talking about what you want from your partner.  There’s a major difference between saying “This really sucks!” and “That other thing felt really good.”   In order to prevent bruising your partner’s ego, remember to keep his or her feelings in mind.  It’s almost always more effective to incorporate a few compliments in with your suggestions than to immediately attack another person’s performance.

(3) Don’t pretend to be a mind reader.  Many people think there’s no need to ask questions.  Perhaps they’ve read every self-help book on the market, or maybe they’ve been with enough men or women to believe they’ve reached expertise status.  Even still, every partner has different desires.  Not only that, but people’s likes and dislikes often fluctuate throughout a relationship.  Don’t suppose you know it all.  You know what they say about assuming…

(4) If you say ‘no’ to really mean ‘yes,’ designate a safe word first.  Generally speaking, when a person says no, it really means no.  This word is you or your partner’s cue to back off.  Seriously.   However, some couples, especially those engaging in S&M, may say ‘no’ as part of a game in their sexual play.  If this is the case, it can be helpful to first designate a safe word that will signal you or your partner to immediately quit whatever’s going on.  This word should be something completely unrelated, such as ‘unicorn,’ that’s decided upon by both individuals before things get heated up.  That way, there will be no confusion about when to stop.

If you normally never talk, it may be helpful to begin with very basic communication techniques (such as placing your partner’s hand where you want it) and then slowly working your way up to more detailed, verbal instructions.  Sexual communication can be tricky; yet, for many, it’s something worth working on.  After all, it can lead to increased intimacy even outside of the bedroom.  So, don’t hold back- speak your mind (but don’t forget to be a good listener, too!)

Phone porn. Dirty emails. Sex hotlines. Web cams. Internet dating. It’s no wonder our Cherry Dishers have gone virtual! More than ever, communication technology is being used for the initiation and upkeep of romance. And with this ‘digitalization’ of romance have come many changes… Long-distance relationships have suddenly become much closer. And, rather than spending years looking in all the wrong places, people are simply clicking their way to EHarmony. Even as a girl who used to consider herself ‘too 90s’ for virtual love, I find myself increasingly putting work aside to watch who’s breaking and making up on the Facebook newsfeed. This leads me to wonder, “Is this just the way it is now?” Luckily, as “Phone and Text Sex” points out, many women are openly embracing the perks of going digital. After all, digital dirtiness can be a great way to spice up an existing romance or spark up a new one! Here are some quick tips for those still feeling a bit technologically challenged…

A ‘How-To’ Guide to Digital Romance:

(1) If you’re going to talk dirty, check who you’re sending to! Though she may be somewhat amused, Grandma probably doesn’t want to know all the nasty things you plan on doing when you get home from work. Neither does your boss. You get the point. Double check before sending any messages, especially if you’re quickly texting!

(2) If you’re having a bit of ‘writer’s block,’ look around and get creative. Digital dirty talk doesn’t have to be totally original… It doesn’t have to be straight smut, either, although that arguably has its place. If you’re struggling to find the right words, take a step back and look for inspiration. Have a favorite song? Type out part of the lyrics. Getting Chinese food for lunch? Send the message from your fortune cookie and follow it up with the phrase ‘in bed.’ Your partner doesn’t have to know you added a few words!

(3) If you don’t know the person… you don’t know the person! The internet can be a great resource for meeting new people. However, if you’ve ever made an online profile, you know how easy it is to throw in a whole load of bull, let alone a few white lies. Talking to strangers isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Yet, it’s always wise to take certain precautions online. Though they may seem obvious, reading over safety tips can help keep you in check, even when dealing with the smoothest of charmers. Check out: Safely-Meet-a-Guy-Through-Internet-Dating for a few pointers.

Well, ladies, welcome to the decade! Though digital romance isn’t for everyone, it’s becoming an increasingly acceptable form of fooling around. Just remember:  be safe and have fun!

Watch Video: http://www.cherrytv.com/video/phone-sex-and-digital-dirty-talk

As “Period Sex Preferences” clearly points out, there’s a wide range of feelings about having sex during menstruation. For some, it’s out of the question. For others, it’s a must. And still many others fall somewhere in between, finding it to be enjoyable (for themselves and/or for their partners) only under certain circumstances. In order to formulate your own opinions about sex on the rag, it may be useful to consider the potential benefits and risks of this sexual behavior. So, let’s map it out!

Benefits: Besides the typical perks of sex, period sex can have many unique benefits for a woman. For instance, many women report that sexual activity helps to alleviate headaches, cramps, and fatigue associated with menstruation. This may be due to the ‘feel-good’ endorphins, which are released during orgasm. Research also shows that orgasms can reduce the length of menstruation up to a couple of days. Though this may sound too good to be true, biology has an explanation: during an orgasm, a hormone called oxytocin signals a series of contractions by the uterus, which might actually lead to a shorter period!

Risks: Besides ruining the bed sheets, sex on your period isn’t a particularly dangerous activity. With that being said, there are still a few ‘standard’ risks which need to be kept in mind. If you’re concerned about transmitting STDs or HIV, make sure to use some sort of barrier method. Also, never rely on menstruation as a form of birth control! This myth needs to be put to rest, once and for all.

So, what do you do if sex or foreplay during menstruation appeals to you but not your partner? First of all, never pressure your partner into doing something that he or she isn’t comfortable with! If your partner only feels uneasy about the idea of ‘excessive’ blood, try discussing how period sex can be made a bit less messy. For instance, try taking a shower immediately before sexual play. Also, if you’re not planning on intercourse, prevent blood flow by using a tampon or menstrual cap. Both options will not interfere with clitoral stimulation. Though many people report that these methods do not completely remove the iron-taste of menstrual blood (as Tobly describes), they do reduce the amount of fluids being dealt with. If your partner still isn’t interested, don’t fret! Masturbation can bring you all of the same benefits as well as help you become more comfortable with menstruation during sex. So, all of this talk basically boils down to two main objectives: communication and experimentation. They’re sure-fire ways to attaining sexual pleasure in a way that’s comfortable for both you and your partner.

And sex really doesn’t get much better than that… Period. ☺

Watch Video: Period Sex Preferences

Sexual Power Plays -– who’s leading and who’s following in the bedroom.  Something I rarely think about during sex, but it’s present nonetheless.  The women explain it in today’s video.

I’ve got to admit, unless the roles are totally clear, I often can’t tell who’s being dominant (or “top”) and who’s being submissive (“bottom”).  Sure, I’ll let him take control, set the pace and guide the positions, but at some point, I will get him on his back and take the reins.  I guess we’re sharing control – he’s primarily dominant but I’ll get it back for a bit.

Power play goes to a whole new level in the BDSM scene.  I personally am not there, (though a little handcuff play and spanking is always fun) but for those who are into it, it’s quite inspiring. Our girls talk about it in future videos on how rewarding it is to trust another at such a level to let them dominate you … or be trusted and value that trust in order to dominate one to bring them to a new orgasmic place.

It’s also possible to fall into a specific role by default — not because it’s fitting, but because ones partner played one role and we were left with the other.  It’s not until we were with a new partner that we realized how much more comfortable we were.

And I’m sure people play different roles at different times in their lives – depending on where they are emotionally and physically.

It’s a fascinating dynamic, power in the bedroom, one that changes for many people throughout their sexual lives.

Watch Video:  http://www.cherrytv.com/video/sexual-power-plays

If it hasn’t happened to you, you know a friend it has happened to – forgotten a tampon was in and inserted another, or began having sex while one was in.

In the Cherry TV video Sex and the Forgotten Tampon the women discuss times it happened to them. And while it was frightening at the time, in retrospect, the stories seem quite funny. Check it out at: Sex and the Forgotten Tampon

However, losing a tampon within your vagina can be scary and dangerous. While it will not travel up into your uterus, infection, if left long enough, can form. The most common is bacterial vaginosis, which can be treated, but in rare situations, toxic shock syndrome can develop. Signs that you may be developing an infection are: odor, discharge, pelvic pain, and fever.

If you need to retrieve a lost tampon:

1. Wash your hands.

2. Remove any tampons that still have the string hanging out.

3. Bear down like when having a bowel movement or pushing out a baby. This can push the tampon down.

4. Gently insert one finger inside. If your index finger doesn’t go deep enough, try your middle finger.

5. Reach in as far as possible. You have reached the end of your vagina when you feel your cervix. The cervix is like an upside down bowl at the end of the vagina. Bear down while gently pressing on your cervix.

6. Sweep the vagina by making circular and back and forth motions with your finger. Try to sweep the space between the cervix and the start of the vagina. This is where tampons tend to get stuck.

7. If your finger runs into a tampon, come out. Insert two fingers (ones next to each other) and trap the tampon between them. Bear down and try to trap the lost tampon between your two fingers to withdraw it.

If you can’t get it out, go to a doctor or clinic. Also, if you don’t feel anything but sense you may have left one in, or are just uncomfortable searching on your own, seek medical help. Don’t delay or be embarrassed. Situations like this are unfortunately a by-product of being a woman!