Weird on first glance … but not surprising when you get into it - a study just released from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that men were more likely to say “I love you” to the woman first. Granted, this was determined by only interviewing 205 heterosexual women and men - not a huge sampling nor very scientific approach — yet it did show that men tended said “I love you” first … on average almost six weeks before women! The reason, they believe, is SEX. And intercourse. Surprise! heh.

Men most often said “I love you” first when they hadn’t had sex yet. Women, on the other hand, waited until the relationship had been consummated before saying the three little words.

Therefore, can we deduce men are hoping - albeit subconsciously — that saying “I love you” would lead to sex? And/or when a woman “holds out,” she makes the guy want her more? Sadly, this study seems to indicate both notions.

It also shows how big a role biology plays in the mating game. Women feel closer to a guy once they’ve had sex, finding it easier to open up and say “I love you”- and hence indicating, if necessary, that she’s committed should their coupling produce offspring. On the flip side, once a man had “planted his seed,” it’s easier for him to move on. Saying “I love you” is no longer necessary because he accomplished his job.

It’s crazy how our genetic/biological make-up as a species still dictates the practice and experiences today. Yet, it’s easy to forget that fact when enmeshed in the messy conflux of love, sex, relationship and desire.

My take away - and hopefully a lot of us ladies will remember this - I love you doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. Vulnerability and openness is important in a relationship. But so is communication. And if you’re not ready to have sex yet, don’t let an “I love you,” sway you too quickly!

Alex’s penis was just too big. There’s just no other way to say it.

Plenty of men would say there’s no such thing as a penis that’s too big.

I would say those men watch too much porn.

In reality, penises come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, lengths, girths, and even, as I’ve recently discovered, slants and angles! When it comes down to it, size does matter—-but bigger isn’t always better.

Alex was under the impression that he was quite a catch, and he couldn’t understand why his penis would be hurting me when we had sex. I’d ask him to change positions, I’d ask him to slow down, I’d ask him not to go so deep, but whatever we tried, nothing felt good. The next day, I felt bruised, inside and out, and waddled like I had just finished a 100-mile bike ride.

Unable to imagine ever subjecting myself to that pain again, I called off our summer fling before it had even really begun.

But the fact that he had expressed surprise at my dissatisfaction stuck with me beyond that summer. What was it about those other women that made them enjoy Alex’s endowment when I recoiled in pain and discomfort?

As much importance as we put into penis size, we hardly ever consider the vagina. Why, when we are constantly debating the issue of penis size, and what feels best, do we never stop to contemplate the unique and individual size and shape of the vagina? It takes two to tango!

Naturally it follows that a large penis will have a harder time fitting inside a smaller vagina. So while we can argue until the end of time whether or not there is an ideal length and an ideal girth of a penis, I think at the end of the day it’s too personal to come to a clear-cut decision for anyone but yourself. It’s about finding two puzzle pieces with the exact right fit.

As a senior in high school, I had been crushing—hard—on Josh* for months.

But, as excited as I was to finally plant a big juicy one on my crush, he may have been a little too eager.

We were finally alone together, having snuck into my parents basement to watch a movie. I was tingling with anticipation of soft and sensual passionate kisses, you know, the way they do it in the movies.

He made his move and his tongue darted into my mouth like he was trying to stab me. I doubt he could have stuck it out any further or any more rigidly. It took up my whole entire mouth, I felt like I might choke on it, and it occasionally poked forward toward the back of throat.

While he continued to try to slay the dragon living in the back of my throat with his tongue-sword, I opened my eyes in shock—to see him staring back at me!

“Why are your eyes open?” I stammered, forcing his rock-solid tongue out of the way.

“To watch out for parents!” he replied sheepishly.

I retreated back toward my side of the couch.

“Can’t we try again?” he asked, reaching for me.

“Well…” I mumbled, not sure how to let him down gently. “I think you could use a little more practice first.”

It was uncomfortable and disappointing to say the least. Here I was, finally kissing this boy I’d fantasized about for months, completely let down. Plus, I was sure I had hurt his feelings.

A few years later, after leaving our small town for bigger and better things, we reunited, and, perhaps fueled by one beer too many, I gave him a second chance. His tender lips and soft tongue made me feel like I was floating. I pulled away, giving him a half-smile and quizzical stare. “I listened,” he said.

(*Name has been changed)

For videos on kissing, check out: How To Kiss and Be Kissed, Tongue Kissing, and First Kiss Tipoff.

Do you “Pull Out” during sex?

I’ve been spending way too much time thinking about hormonal birth control.

The more I think about it, the more weirded out I get about pumping my body full of synthetic lady-juices. Wouldn’t it be so nice to just let nature run its course?  But we all know what nature intends to happen 9 months later, and I am in no way signing up for that.

“What about if I just pull out?” wonders my condom-hating, sex-loving boyfriend, who, to his credit, handles my birth-control-fueled rages and sob-fests better than I ever could have expected. “You can trust me,” he pleads.

The interesting thing about pulling out, otherwise known as withdrawal before ejaculation, is about as reliable as a condom—both when used perfectly and when used what researchers call “typically”. Used perfectly, about 2% of couples will still get pregnant with a condom. Used perfectly, about 4% of couples who pull out will find themselves knocked up, according to a June 2009 study.

But when used “typically”—i.e., the condom slips, breaks, you forget it until halfway to orgasm, he doesn’t quite pull out quickly enough, he climaxes outside but just barely—condoms and withdrawal have 17% and 18% failure rates, respectively. I was willing to take my risks with just a condom, but “Trust me” has never been a viable form of birth control in my book. What happens on the night we’ve had a few too many drinks, or it just feels too good to stop, or orgasm sneaks up on us. There are a few too many “what ifs” to simply trust our bodies. But should I trust the science?

What do you think? Do you use the withdrawal method? How does it work for you?

I don’t know about you, but I have had some boyfriends/partners with whom after sex I wanted to shower right away and get their smell off of me … and others where I was happy to wait until morning. I love the natural smell, both clean and dirty, of certain guys.  Other guys however, I find smell slightly funky.

It’s weird, I rarely think of a guy’s smell except when intimate (unless they are wearing cologne, and then I can’t help but think of it). And one would assume that a clean smell, regardless of who it is, would always be tolerable. Not so. Some people, even clean, have unattractive smells to other people. However, it is not a quantifiable good smell vs bad smell. Some guys who smell great to me, actually smell repellent to others. And visa versa.

As it turns out, there’s a reason for this – genes.

Our body-odor is “an external manifestation of the genes of our immune system.” Our immune system determines what diseases we can defend against, and what diseases are recessive within our make-up. It’s preferable to mate with someone who has an immune system least like ours so there’s both a greater range of diseases our kids will systemically defend against, and less recessive disease genes that can double up. Here’s a great article about it: The Scent of Sex

Hence, the men whose smell we are attracted to actually have immune systems least like ours. They are the ones that, biologically speaking, would be our preferred sires (I love using that term!). Crazy, huh!?!?!

There have been a number of experiments that prove this. Results even indicate that a man’s scent tends to be the most important feature determining whether a woman will find him sexually attractive. Does this mean us women are all programmed to mate above all else? Eeeek!

Anyway, I think it’s safe to say that while dating we will all encounter men who smell good to us, and others who don’t. We may even keep dating the unattractive-smellers because we like other things about them. However, now that I know his smell is significant, looking back, I’m not surprised that the guys in which I wanted to shower right away after being with are the guys that never worked out in the long run.

Check out this video on smell and sex: Dirty Sexy Smells

Since spring is in the air — and spring fever (the desire for more sex!) often accompanies it — I thought it’s a good time to bring up the issue of boundaries. Sexual boundaries are often difficult to navigate - especially when they are contrary to what our friends do, what our family wants and/or what our social scene dictates.

And when our sexual boundaries are set, men will sometimes try to push past them. It can be intimidating and hard to hold on. During sex or a make-out session, when we’re at the point where we don’t want to go farther, the guy can be insistent that we keep going. And he’ll give a lot of seemingly reasonable reasons like “But I like you so much and just want to get closer,” “If we stop now I’ll get ‘blue balls’,” and “Don’t worry, we won’t go farther than X.”

Besides pressure from our partner, sometimes WE want to go beyond our boundaries. We’re aroused, having fun, and don’t want to stop (or at least stop at the boundary point)! Add alcohol into the mix, and it’s even harder not to throw our reserves out the window!

For many of us though, setting boundaries before a date is important. It enables us to feel comfortable in the moment — yet establishes a specific point when arousal is not part of the equation — in which we know we’ll feel uncomfortable … or regret afterwords. It’s difficult, but worth it in the end.

One concern we may have when exerting boundaries is that we’ll be called a tease. In theory, we have the right to say no at any time — and it’s totally a misogynistic concept — but unfortunately, some women develop a reputation as a “tease.”

My solution (and I’ve asked a number of guys about this and they all agree it is a good one), is if during the make-out session I don’t put my hand on his penis (over or under his pants), then I don’t feel responsible for helping him get off. Granted, I can rub other parts of my body over that area, but if I don’t put my hand there, I don’t worry about “teasing.” Some guys will grab your hand and try to put it there, but it’s important to say NO in that situation, however hard it may be. It’s rude and inappropriate, and he has to know you will not be manipulated like that.

What I’ll also do to help establish my boundaries is mention them on the way home or to his place to make-out. That way he knows ahead of time what to expect, and if he wants more, I just remind him that I had already told him the limit.

Still - it’s a rough road to travel, establishing and keeping sexual boundaries isn’t easy. In my experience though, it gets easier … and I no longer wake up with that dreaded question “Oh shite, what did I do?”

Check out this video where the women discuss boundaries: Saying Yes and No to Sex

When talking about a lover, we often discuss their kissing.  But of course … it’s usually the first sexual act between two people (first base, duh!) and it can be incredible … or not. There are so many methods and styles of kissing - it’s so subjective.  One can be considered a great kisser and a bad kisser, depending on the partner.

But I want to talk about the tongue.  Specifically, guys who stick a firm tongue into ours mouths and either just keep it there, or move it in and out like a lizard.  I personally have encountered a few of these instances, and so have my friends.  Yet, none of us enjoy it, and can’t even imagine it being a turn-on.   Yet guys do it, so they must like it - right?

Every couple gets into a sexual rut now and then. It could be short lived – after a few sessions the sex feels boring and the couple shakes it up. Or, it could last a long, long time. Ever hear of the seven-year itch? Well, it’s more like a three-year itch for relationships and even less for sex. And considering how many headlines your see on women’s publications declaring suggestions for “Spicing Up Your Sex Life,” it would seem many people are in need of a boost.

Good sex takes work. It’s easy to get comfortable with a specific sexual routine because it’s relatively effortless. And humans are built to get used to things. In order to change the routine, one must usually make a conscious effort and be willing to experiment.

There are a number of ways out of a sexual rut. The key is that both parties are comfortable with the ideas and interested in trying them out. They include: new positions; introducing sex toys, using creams, oils, foods; new locations; and role play (involving props or not). There are also sex games available online and stores – and a huge realm of activities that fall under the category of “kink.”

Most important though, is to talk with your partner and acknowledge the situation (we know, communication blah blah blah, but it is SO important). And yeah, it sucks if one is bored while the other is content – but hopefully the contented party will want to help the other get excited and involved again since it will result in better sex (and, of course, because they care about their feelings).

A great way to find activities/elements to kick-start out of that rut is to tell each other the things you really like. Talk about the activities you’ve thought about doing in bed, the things you’ve done but want more of, and what you fantasize about. In most cases, a number of ideas will overlap – and hence worth trying or doing again.

So, if you find yourself in a rut, think of it as a good thing! It is the natural way to keep that libido bubbling!

And check out this link: Sex Ruts by Chantelle Austin it is a great six part series on ruts!

For videos on this issue:
Help With Boring Sex

Tips and Tricks for Better Sex

Today’s video is about condoms coming off during sex – whether it’s when thrusting or pulling out — and how best to handle it. The women tell their stories, and talk about how scary it is.

If it ever happens to you, what you should do is go to the bathroom, get in the tub, squat and try to pee. If it does not come out, stick your finger in your vagina, just a tiny way in and see if you can feel the condom. If you do, use two finger to clasp it and pull it out.

Be careful though – you don’t want to put your finger in too far, you may accidentally push the condom farther up. 
If you can’t get it out on your own, you will need to go to the doctor. But don’t be embarrassed! It happens often and doctors are totally used to dealing with condoms, and other objects, stuck in vaginas.

Here’s a great link for more stories and information.
Teen Expert - Lost Condom

And to watch this video:
Missing In Action Condoms

Sex can be messy and awkward – and one of the activities that can cause one or both parties to be uncomfortable is fellatio. Here we gathered six issues that can arise while going down on a guy. And if you thought they only happened to you – think again…

Issue 1: We’ve Got Dry mouth.
We’ve always heard “the wetter the better,” yet we just can’t seem to get the saliva flowing. We try spitting, either directly on his penis, or in our hard, and we see him flinch. We’re tempted to add lube, but we know it tastes horrid. We take a gulp of water, but the wetness doesn’t last. We proceed regardless, despite the fact that it’s like sucking on sandpaper.

Suggestions: Having flavored lube on hand is key. It tastes okay, and makes his penis nice and slippery. But if lube is not available, we can use cooking oil. We can also pass on giving the blowjob.

Issue 2: He isn’t getting hard, or hard enough.
There we are sucking away, using every trick we know and he just is not responding. Is it us? Why isn’t he turned on?

Suggestions: If he’s not responding – it is not our fault!! There are endless reasons why he may not be getting hard, and it’s most likely psychological, having nothing to do with us. Just like sometimes we don’t get very wet despite our desiring sex, for men there’s even more pressure to always be able to perform.

When he doesn’t get hard or hard enough it’s best to focus on areas other than his penis. Kissing, massage, even just touching each other all over and talking can sometimes enable his mind to quiet down, and allow his body to heat up.

Here the women discuss:
Issue 3: It is taking too long.
We’ve been down there for what seems like forever (5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes?), yet he has still not climaxed. Is it because we’re bad at it?!?!? We’re tempted to stop, but we don’t want to cause “blue balls” or give the impression that we can’t handle it. But our mouth, jaw and knees can’t last much longer.

Suggestions: We are not obligated to continue performing fellatio until he climaxes. For many couples it’s a precursor to intercourse. Yet, if we want to take it all the way through we can always take a break and use our hand – or have him use his own hand. We can switch positions –- making sure his penis continues to be stimulated during the reconfigure. Also, we can tell him we are getting tired – he may have been holding back and can actually finish soon.

And if we do need to stop – he can handle it. It may be that he is unable to orgasm during the session – again, most likely for psychological reasons. If orgasm is on the horizon, he can get himself off, or he can deal with “blue balls” — an experience that sounds incredibly painful, but actually, it’s a feeling men know well.

Issue 4: Our teeth got in the way.
There we are, giving a blowjob and suddenly we realize that our focus is off and we’ve accidently hit his penis with our teeth. Eek!

Suggestion: It’s happened to all of us, and it’s happened to him before too. We shouldn’t worry about it and we should just move on.

Issue 5: His semen tastes bad.
We are all prepared to swallow, yet his semen tastes particularly unpleasant. We want to spit – but where?

Suggestion: If his semen tastes bad, we can always remove our mouth and use our hand to finish him off. Or, instead of swallowing, we can let his semen dribble back down onto his penis. If we breath through our mouth, instead of our nose while performing this act, we won’t have to taste the jizz.

Issue 6: We gag, repeatedly.
We’re attempting deep throat and we gag. This, we find, totally embarrassing because it shows we are not very experienced at it. We try again, and gag again. Where to go from there?

Suggestion: Positioning is key when deep throating. If we can position ourself so that he is standing above us – like dangling our head off the side of the bed – it becomes a lot easier. Also, if we start to perform deep throat, we don’t have to continue doing it consistently. Some women will throw in a deep throat stroke every now and again while performing a standard blowjob.

We have a lot of great videos on fellatio and real-life experiences. Here are a few of the goodies …
Jump Starting His Penis
How To Give Great Oral Sex
Advice On Fellatio Positioning
To Spit Or Swallow
Fellatio Tips