Since spring is in the air — and spring fever (the desire for more sex!) often accompanies it — I thought it’s a good time to bring up the issue of boundaries. Sexual boundaries are often difficult to navigate - especially when they are contrary to what our friends do, what our family wants and/or what our social scene dictates.

And when our sexual boundaries are set, men will sometimes try to push past them. It can be intimidating and hard to hold on. During sex or a make-out session, when we’re at the point where we don’t want to go farther, the guy can be insistent that we keep going. And he’ll give a lot of seemingly reasonable reasons like “But I like you so much and just want to get closer,” “If we stop now I’ll get ‘blue balls’,” and “Don’t worry, we won’t go farther than X.”

Besides pressure from our partner, sometimes WE want to go beyond our boundaries. We’re aroused, having fun, and don’t want to stop (or at least stop at the boundary point)! Add alcohol into the mix, and it’s even harder not to throw our reserves out the window!

For many of us though, setting boundaries before a date is important. It enables us to feel comfortable in the moment — yet establishes a specific point when arousal is not part of the equation — in which we know we’ll feel uncomfortable … or regret afterwords. It’s difficult, but worth it in the end.

One concern we may have when exerting boundaries is that we’ll be called a tease. In theory, we have the right to say no at any time — and it’s totally a misogynistic concept — but unfortunately, some women develop a reputation as a “tease.”

My solution (and I’ve asked a number of guys about this and they all agree it is a good one), is if during the make-out session I don’t put my hand on his penis (over or under his pants), then I don’t feel responsible for helping him get off. Granted, I can rub other parts of my body over that area, but if I don’t put my hand there, I don’t worry about “teasing.” Some guys will grab your hand and try to put it there, but it’s important to say NO in that situation, however hard it may be. It’s rude and inappropriate, and he has to know you will not be manipulated like that.

What I’ll also do to help establish my boundaries is mention them on the way home or to his place to make-out. That way he knows ahead of time what to expect, and if he wants more, I just remind him that I had already told him the limit.

Still - it’s a rough road to travel, establishing and keeping sexual boundaries isn’t easy. In my experience though, it gets easier … and I no longer wake up with that dreaded question “Oh shite, what did I do?”

Check out this video where the women discuss boundaries: Saying Yes and No to Sex

When talking about a lover, we often discuss their kissing.  But of course … it’s usually the first sexual act between two people (first base, duh!) and it can be incredible … or not. There are so many methods and styles of kissing - it’s so subjective.  One can be considered a great kisser and a bad kisser, depending on the partner.

But I want to talk about the tongue.  Specifically, guys who stick a firm tongue into ours mouths and either just keep it there, or move it in and out like a lizard.  I personally have encountered a few of these instances, and so have my friends.  Yet, none of us enjoy it, and can’t even imagine it being a turn-on.   Yet guys do it, so they must like it - right?

Every couple gets into a sexual rut now and then. It could be short lived – after a few sessions the sex feels boring and the couple shakes it up. Or, it could last a long, long time. Ever hear of the seven-year itch? Well, it’s more like a three-year itch for relationships and even less for sex. And considering how many headlines your see on women’s publications declaring suggestions for “Spicing Up Your Sex Life,” it would seem many people are in need of a boost.

Good sex takes work. It’s easy to get comfortable with a specific sexual routine because it’s relatively effortless. And humans are built to get used to things. In order to change the routine, one must usually make a conscious effort and be willing to experiment.

There are a number of ways out of a sexual rut. The key is that both parties are comfortable with the ideas and interested in trying them out. They include: new positions; introducing sex toys, using creams, oils, foods; new locations; and role play (involving props or not). There are also sex games available online and stores – and a huge realm of activities that fall under the category of “kink.”

Most important though, is to talk with your partner and acknowledge the situation (we know, communication blah blah blah, but it is SO important). And yeah, it sucks if one is bored while the other is content – but hopefully the contented party will want to help the other get excited and involved again since it will result in better sex (and, of course, because they care about their feelings).

A great way to find activities/elements to kick-start out of that rut is to tell each other the things you really like. Talk about the activities you’ve thought about doing in bed, the things you’ve done but want more of, and what you fantasize about. In most cases, a number of ideas will overlap – and hence worth trying or doing again.

So, if you find yourself in a rut, think of it as a good thing! It is the natural way to keep that libido bubbling!

And check out this link: Sex Ruts by Chantelle Austin it is a great six part series on ruts!

For videos on this issue:

Help With Boring Sex

Tips and Tricks for Better Sex

Today’s video is about condoms coming off during sex – whether it’s when thrusting or pulling out — and how best to handle it. The women tell their stories, and talk about how scary it is.

If it ever happens to you, what you should do is go to the bathroom, get in the tub, squat and try to pee. If it does not come out, stick your finger in your vagina, just a tiny way in and see if you can feel the condom. If you do, use two finger to clasp it and pull it out.

Be careful though – you don’t want to put your finger in too far, you may accidentally push the condom farther up. 
If you can’t get it out on your own, you will need to go to the doctor. But don’t be embarrassed! It happens often and doctors are totally used to dealing with condoms, and other objects, stuck in vaginas.

Here’s a great link for more stories and information.
Teen Expert - Lost Condom

And to watch this video:
Missing In Action Condoms

Sex can be messy and awkward – and one of the activities that can cause one or both parties to be uncomfortable is fellatio. Here we gathered some issues that can arise while going down on a guy. And if you thought they only happened to you – think again…

Issue 1: We’ve Got Dry mouth.
We’ve always heard “the wetter the better,” yet we just can’t seem to get the saliva flowing. We try spitting, either directly on his penis, or in our hard, and we see him flinch. We’re tempted to add lube, but we know it tastes horrid. We take a gulp of water, but the wetness doesn’t last. We proceed regardless, despite the fact that it’s like sucking on sandpaper.

Suggestions: Having flavored lube on hand is key. It tastes okay, and makes his penis nice and slippery. But if lube is not available, we can use cooking oil. We can also pass on giving the blowjob.

Issue 2: He isn’t getting hard, or hard enough.
There we are sucking away, using every trick we know and he just is not responding. Is it us? Why isn’t he turned on?

Suggestions: If he’s not responding – it is not our fault!! There are endless reasons why he may not be getting hard, and it’s most likely psychological, having nothing to do with us. Just like sometimes we don’t get very wet despite our desiring sex, for men there’s even more pressure to always be able to perform.

When he doesn’t get hard or hard enough it’s best to focus on areas other than his penis. Kissing, massage, even just touching each other all over and talking can sometimes enable his mind to quiet down, and allow his body to heat up.

Issue 3: It is taking too long.
We’ve been down there for what seems like forever (5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes?), yet he has still not climaxed. Is it because we’re bad at it?!?!? We’re tempted to stop, but we don’t want to cause “blue balls” or give the impression that we can’t handle it. But our mouth, jaw and knees can’t last much longer.

Suggestions: We are not obligated to continue performing fellatio until he climaxes. For many couples it’s a precursor to intercourse. Yet, if we want to take it all the way through we can always take a break and use our hand – or have him use his own hand. We can switch positions –- making sure his penis continues to be stimulated during the reconfigure. Also, we can tell him we are getting tired – he may have been holding back and can actually finish soon.

And if we do need to stop – he can handle it. It may be that he is unable to orgasm during the session – again, most likely for psychological reasons. If orgasm is on the horizon, he can get himself off, or he can deal with “blue balls” — an experience that sounds incredibly painful, but actually, it’s a feeling men know well.

Issue 4: Our teeth got in the way.
There we are, giving a blowjob and suddenly we realize that our focus is off and we’ve accidently hit his penis with our teeth. Eek!

Suggestion: It’s happened to all of us, and it’s happened to him before too. We shouldn’t worry about it and we should just move on.

Issue 5: His semen tastes bad.
We are all prepared to swallow, yet his semen tastes particularly unpleasant. We want to spit – but where?

Suggestion: If his semen tastes bad, we can always remove our mouth and use our hand to finish him off. Or, instead of swallowing, we can let his semen dribble back down onto his penis. If we breath through our mouth, instead of our nose while performing this act, we won’t have to taste the jizz.

Issue 6: We gag, repeatedly.
We’re attempting deep throat and we gag. This, we find, totally embarrassing because it shows we are not very experienced at it. We try again, and gag again. Where to go from there?

Suggestion: Positioning is key when deep throating. If we can position ourself so that he is standing above us – like dangling our head off the side of the bed – it becomes a lot easier. Also, if we start to perform deep throat, we don’t have to continue doing it consistently. Some women will throw in a deep throat stroke every now and again while performing a standard blowjob.

We have a lot of great videos on real-life fellatio experiences. Here are a few of the goodies …

Jump Starting His Penis
How To Give Great Oral Sex
Advice On Fellatio Positioning
To Spit Or Swallow
Fellatio Tips

Here at Cherry TV a lot of women ask advice on how to select and buy a vibrator online. For those who don’t have access to a female-friendly toy store, or do not want to deal with finding and going to one, buying a vibrator (or any sex toy) online is a great option. And while you don’t have the opportunity to test out its feel and intensity (on your hand. heh.) many online stores provide enough details so that you can choose intelligently.

Before I go into what to ask yourself, and look for, I want to assure everyone that online sex toy stores tend to be quite discreet. They know that their customers don’t want their family members or mailman to know what has arrived, so your purchase is usually packed in a plain brown box with a generic-sounding company’s return address. In addition, the credit card bill often indicates that same generic-sounding company’s charge – and not the URL it was purchased under.

Okay, so buying a vibrator. I’m going to give you some general guidelines, and then direct you to other resources. There are a few sites that do a great job at explaining the various questions to keep in mind, so it’s silly to do it again here.

Firstly, you want to identify what you want the vibrator for. Is it to use alone during masturbation or with a partner during sex? Do you desire clitoral stimulation only, g-spot stimulation, clitoral and vaginal simultaneous stimulation?

If this is your first vibrator, and you are getting it primarily to help you reach orgasm on your own – either because you have never had an orgasm, or are finding using your hand is too much work – I would suggest a basic clitoral vibrator. There are a range of clitoral vibes you can get, from small battery operated models to relatively large plug ins. Some have just one setting others have a few (slow, medium, fast, circular, pulsing). When choosing, keep in mind that it’s possible to get used to the feeling of a vibrator. When this happens, it’s helpful to readjust expectations regarding the clitoral stimulation you’ll receive when having sex with a partner. This feeling/dependency on your vibrator, however, can always be reversed if you stop using it for a little while.

Secondly, does it matter if your vibe makes noise and can travel? If you don’t have to worry about noise and storage, something with a little more heft can be considered. Also, plug in models tend to offer a large range of intensity, and can have accessories that go with them (who doesn’t love accessories?!?!). However, if you live with others in a place with thin walls and want to be able to slip your vibrator in and out of your bag/storage area easily, make sure the model you buy is billed as quiet and battery operated.

Third, what is your price range. Some vibes are inexpensive – in the $10 to $15 range – others are not and can cost more than $100. One would think that cheaper in price means cheaper in make, but that’s not always the case. Some of the most well regarded models are on the inexpensive side.

These are three main issues to keep in mind. Sure, if you want to use it in the tub/shower, there are vibes for that. If you want it worn by your partner to stimulate you during sex, there are vibes for that. The following links go into it all in detail.

All I will say in conclusion is if you are considering buying a vibrator – then YES, go for it!! It’s awesome having a tool that basically guarantees orgasm. Vibrators enable us to reach orgasm relatively quickly. They teach us what kind of stimulation we like, where (ie. above the clitoris, on the left side, etc.). And it guides us repeatedly through the series of sensations experienced leading up to and coming down from orgasm — and hence allow us to experiment with ways to intensify and sustain those sensations.

For more information check out the following links:

My Pleasure Shopping Guide
Babeland’s Guide To Vibrator Shopping
Wild In Secret Vibrator Overview
Ten Things To Know About Vibrators

Little Cherry,

I’m really concerned right now. I had unprotected sex with a guy I just met this past weekend, which is really unusual for me. I’m getting really nervous that I might have gotten pregnant. Some of my friends told me about the “Morning After Pill,” but it’s already been three days. Plus, if I did already get pregnant, I don’t want to abort the baby. Help me- PLEASE!!!

-Prego?

Prego?,

Alright, let’s start breaking this down, starting with the pregnancy issue. The “morning after pill” (also known as “emergency contraception” or “EC”) can be effective for preventing pregnancy up to five days after unprotected intercourse. [The sooner you take it, the more likely it will be effective.] Most forms of EC actually contain the same hormones that are found in birth control pills- just in higher dosages. They can work by preventing ovulation (when the egg gets released) or fertilization (when the egg and sperm meet), which in turn prevents the pregnancy from occurring. Certainly, there have been many ethical debates about whether or not EC should be considered a form of abortion. However, I can say from a legal and medical perspective that EC is not considered to be an “abortion drug” of any kind. So, hypothetically, if you were already pregnant, taking EC right now should not have an effect on your pregnancy. Whether or not you feel comfortable taking EC is something you’ll have to decide on your own, though.

In regards to the other risks that come with unprotected sex, you may want to consider getting tested for STDs (even if you’re not showing any symptoms.) I’d recommend calling your clinician ahead of time to see how long he/she wants you to wait before coming in for testing. After all, some STDs will not show up on a test in the first week or two.

I hope that this helped to clear things up a bit. Best of luck with your decisions!

Keep asking questions,
Little Cherry!

Have your own question?  Please send questions to “questions at cherrytv dot com”(trying to avoid the spam spiders by spelling it out!). We’ll attempt to address it here on the blog and possibly even cover it on a show.

You hear it all the time. In magazines, advice columns, and here on Cherry TV. People are always telling you “how to get what you want” in bed. And the big question that a lot of women have and so few ask is, “what exactly IS IT that I want?”

It seems like weird question.  Shouldn’t I know? NO! You shouldn’t. Like anything else, you have to learn. When I first became sexually active, this was a huge problem for me. I kept hearing that to make my sex life better I just had to ask for what I wanted. The problem was, I just didn’t get what it was I was supposed to be asking for. As far as I knew, I didn’t really have any special fantasies, nor did I identify myself with any fetishes. I just wanted to have sex, and I wanted it to feel good. And when I hooked up with a guy, it was either good or it wasn’t, and I had no idea why.

The thing is…like many other young women, I equated being sexually independent and sexually active with being sexually empowered, and that really isn’t the case. In order to truly be sexually empowered, you have to be sexually self-aware.

How do you become sexually self-aware?

• Masturbate…Intelligently. And Frequently.

Before I became sexually self-aware, it’s not that I didn’t masturbate. Actually, I masturbated all the time, and pretty much always in the same way. But I never really thought about what I was doing, I just kind of went for it. That, my friends, is NOT masturbating intelligently. The next time you go solo, here’s what you should do.

* Make sure you have a substantial block of time to devote to masturbating, and make sure you’re in the right mood. Do whatever you need to do…light candles, put on some music, hang black leather curtains on your windows…..whatever’s going to make you feel relaxed and sexy.

*Now, start masturbating the way you normally do, and PAY ATTENTION to the movements you’re making. Are you touching your breasts while you masturbate? How? Are you squeezing or caressing? What are you doing with your clit…are you rubbing or flicking? Are you going fast or slow? Ask yourself all the simple questions you would never THINK to ask yourself because it’s so natural to you. Think of it this way…your partner won’t just “naturally” know how to touch you!

*Purposefully change your movements, and see if it feels better or worse. Move your fingers up and down on your clitoris instead of in a circle…try squeezing it or lightly slapping it, and pay attention to how your body responds. Touch your inner thighs, touch your neck, and again…PAY ATTENTION. Maybe you’ll find that there’s some movement that works better for you than your old routine, and that’s a plus…but most of all, you’re doing this so you can get a handle on exactly what motions work to get you off.

*Masturbating is a great way to find out what physical motions your body responds to, but it’s also a good way to figure out what kind of tone you’re looking for in a sexual encounter. What are you thinking about when you masturbate? A lot of times, the answer is…nothing. So make a conscious effort to imagine different sexual scenarios when you’re lovin’ on yourself. Having trouble coming up with material? This brings me to technique number two.

• Watch Porn!

*It’s not exactly scientific, and sure…what you’re watching isn’t always realistic, but you’ll get the general idea. Watch as many different kinds of porn as you can…softcore, hardcore, fetish porn, whatever you can find. And what are you going to do? You’re going to PAY ATTENTION. You’ll find yourself involuntarily getting turned on by certain scenes and certain actions. Ask yourself why! Did you like that the sex was rough? Did you like the idea of being slowly caressed? Did you like the idea of being dominated? Of dominating? A lot of times, we don’t stop and ask ourselves these simple questions, and they are SO crucial to realizing sexual desires that you didn’t even know you had.

• But Don’t Limit Yourself to Porn!

*Don’t just think about what gets you off when you’re watching a porno, think about it any chance you get! Any time you get turned on…watching a movie, reading a book, people watching, make a mental note. Any time you’re just bored and need something to do, FANTASIZE. The key to being sexually self-aware is not just having sex, or thinking about having sex, it’s thinking about HOW you LIKE to have sex.

In the short run, these tricks will help steer you in the right direction when you’re trying to figure out what you want out of sex, and out of your partner. But in the long run, like anything else, it’s a process. The more you do it, the more you’ll learn. And now that you know what you want? Go on and get it, girl!

Videos on this topic: Why We Love Masturbation, Better Sex Through Self Loving, Sex and Body Image

Little Cherry,

I have been sexually active for a few years and am interested in taking birth control. (Don’t worry, I already get tested for STDs!) I did some research online about cervical caps and diaphragms, but I still can’t tell them apart. Can you please tell me what the difference is and why people use them.

-Confused

Dear Confused,

Great questions! In a lot of ways, diaphragms and cervical caps are very similar. Both are prescription forms of birth control, which function as barrier methods- meaning that they block the sperm from entering into the uterus, thus preventing pregnancy. (They do so by covering the cervix.) They also require the use of spermicide, which helps to kill off the sperm. If taken care of properly, cervical caps and diaphragms can both last for a couple of years. Nevertheless, there are a few key differences.

Differences between cervical caps and diaphragms include:

· Cervical caps come in only a few set sizes, which unfortunately do not cater to all women’s shapes. Diaphragms, on the other hand, are specifically fit to each body by a doctor.

· The diaphragm covers not only the cervix, but also some of the area around the cervix. By covering more surface area, it may help to protect against some STDs. (*Even so, you still need to use a latex condom with either one of these methods in order to prevent STD transmission!)

· Cervical caps and diaphragms must be kept in prior to and post sex for different amounts of time. Ask your doctor for more specific details.

When picking out your birth control, I’ve got a bit of advice to keep in mind: birth control is not only a product, but also a method. I stress this because if it doesn’t fit into your lifestyle, it’s very easy to take the product incorrectly (resulting in a drop in the effectiveness rate.) As I’ve already mentioned, both forms of birth control require you to prepare for sex ahead of time. Do you need something spur of the moment? Also, are you comfortable feeling around for your cervix and inserting the birth control? This is certainly not to discourage you from using the diaphragm or cervical cap. They can both be really great options, especially for those unable to use hormonal methods. Since you are interested in learning more, I would definitely recommend speaking to your health care provider about any birth control questions or concerns. Also, check out our episode entitled ‘Barrier Birth Control’ for more advice. Hopefully, you’ll find a method that’s a ‘great fit.’

Ask questions!,
Little Cherry

Have your own question? Please send questions to “questions at cherrytv dot com” (trying to avoid the spam spiders by spelling it out!). We’ll attempt to address it here on the blog and possibly even cover it on a show.

Ah, Period Sex.

I have to say, I’m a pretty new member of the Period Sex Fanclub. As such, my reasons for resistance are still pretty fresh in the skull. I will now list those reasons, and tell you how and why they were so, SO wrong.

I thought having sex on my period was icky.

That’s right, I was that girl. I thought sex on my period was icky. And then… I came to my senses. Icky? ICKY? Ok, logic time. Sex is kind of icky, but in a super awesome, super hot way….and sure, periods are kind of icky….but I like sex but not my period? They’re both things that my body does, and does naturally. Why shouldn’t I combine them? Am I ASHAMED of my period? I let dudes do me in the butt (and, um….that’s where poop comes from) so why shouldn’t I let them do me on my period? Not because it’s icky, surely. As the man I lost my period-stained virginity to so eloquently put it…“It’s just more lube.” Amen to that.

If, however, you’re still a little freaked out by the mess, here are a few tricks to put your mind at ease.

* Put down a towel. For those who squirt, you know the drill. It’s a good idea to pull out some towels when you start your period that month  and have them handy, just so you don’t have to go rummaging in your linen closet when the mood strikes. You don’t have to sacrifice spontaneity for clean sheets.

*Do it in the shower! It’s a great way to ease yourself in.

*When you’re in the throes, stick to slow moves and variations on the missionary position. Remember your high school Physics class? Gravity and Inertia. If you’re freaked out by the mess, now might not be a good time to get on top and hump away.

Aside from thinking that sex on my period would be in icky mess, I thought to myself- “Ugh. I may be horny, but I also feel like I’m being beaten in the uterus with a sledgehammer. All I want to do is curl up in a little ball and watch reruns of the Golden Girls.” Sex just didn’t seem like it would be a good idea. Oh, how wrong I was.

*Having sex, and especially having an orgasm, can actually HELP with your cramps. It’s a lot better for you, and WAY more satisfying, then taking a Midol.

*Not to mention, having and orgasm will actually LESSEN the length of your period. The contractions of your PC muscles during orgasm help your uterus expel it’s goodies much faster than it would on its lonesome. Help a sister out.

*Many of us are actually our randiest during the red season. Not only that, we’re actually at our most SENSITIVE. Ever since I started having Period Sex, my orgasms have been unFREAKINGbeleivable. If that’s not an impetus to try it, I just don’t know what is.

For me, and for a lot of other young women, one of the main reasons that Period Sex is off-putting is that we’re afraid our partner will be grossed out by it. After all, for many of us, periods were a huge source of stress and embarrassment during our teenage years, and those scars don’t heal quickly. I remember one of my friends got her period for the first time during English class and ran out of the classroom. Everybody watched as the school nurse came in and cleaned up the mess she left on her chair. Eep. No wonder we want to hide our periods. But with the right person, sex on your period is neither gross nor embarrassing, but intimate and liberating. It took a real commitment for me to try it for the first time, and it was my BOYFRIEND who talked ME into it! More often than not, it’s not our partners who are grossed out by our periods, it’s us.

*Don’t be afraid to broach that subject. While some men are uncomfortable with Period Sex, most are VERY open to it. Nearly all of the men I’ve dated have been. However, if you or your partner are NOT comfortable with the idea of Period Sex, don’t push it. Like with all aspects of sex, to each his or her own.

*If it IS right for the both of you, take it slow, take it easy, and enjoy it. Sex during such an intimate and vulnerable time for your body can really bring you closer together.

*P.S. Don’t listen when someone tells you not to use protection during your period. Because sperm can live up in ya for for a few days, and because sometimes our cycles are so wonky that we can even OVULATE DURING our periods, it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE to get pregnant when you have period sex. So be safe! As an added bonus, using a diaphragm is another great way to keep the mess to a minimum.

Remember, ye who doubt the greatness of Period Sex. I was once among you, and now…now I’m having fabulous sex on my period. My shorter, lighter, less cramped, orgasm-enhancing period. It’s natural. It’s groovy, and it feels fantastic. It’s time to join the revolution, ladies.

Videos on this topic: Period Sex — Go With the Flow Part 1, Part 2, Period Sex Yay or Nay