Orgasms reached with help from a lover are not as easy as we’re made out to think.  As you heard in this video, the women that were able to climax early on didn’t do it via penetration.  Their lover either went down on them or used his fingers.  Even now, as we often talk about, many of us can’t come from intercourse alone and must self stimulate in order to have an orgasm during sex.

But, as I’m sure many will agree, one of the more interesting parts of this video comes at the end.  I’m so glad we found Stephanie, who is so earnest and honest, and admits to loving sex despite not being able/afraid to come.  In part two we explore it more.

Many women have sex for years without coming.  As discussed in this video, and in videos all over Cherry TV, it’s often because of the absence of masturbation that women are unable to orgasm.  In many cases it can be as basic as that – learn what works for you physically while alone, and bring it into the bedroom with a lover.  But, like everything in sex, that doesn’t work for everyone.

Climaxing with a lover is a very different experience than doing it alone.  There’s so much more going on – you’re thinking about your partner’s pleasure, you’re experiencing their touch and/or penetration, you may even be concerned with what you will look like coming.  With your mind on so many other things, the notion of also concentrating on your orgasm can be daunting!

If it’s a problem, my advice is just keep on keeping on and definitely enjoy the ride.  Sex isn’t about the destination/orgasm (and “sex” shouldn’t really be thought of as just intercourse anyway). You may find the ingredients/situation in which you can easily come with a partner - one in particular or all future partners – during intercourse, or you may have to figure out other ways to become satisfied during sex (my favorite, masturbate while your lover touch/kisses/fondles you).  Whatever works –- it’s all good!  No judgments, no comparisons!! Putting one person’s sexual experiences and reactions next to another is like, to use a tired cliche, comparing apples to oranges.  And it doesn’t help anyone!

It’s interesting…I do have quite a bit of experience with a longer term relationship where talking about exact preferences was never much of an issue. A little awkwardness at first, but I usually got my thoughts out. With him, I reached orgasm almost every single time, not realizing how difficult it usually can be for most women who are not in a seriously committed 3+ year relationship.

Now I have a more typical situation. While I am not someone who sees partners in a purely casual way, I am not in an exclusive relationship where explicit communication feels 100% easy. I have been with my current partner for about two months and we spend time together quite often. I consider myself a very confident person, especially with sex, but I have realized that it is much harder to explain my needs. I still have obstacles to get over, especially with transitioning positions, but I’m really open with guiding my partners hands and using body language. I want to enjoy sex, but I also realize that reaching orgasm is not something that will always happen. That’s ok with me as long as I’m having fun.

I am always open to asking him what he likes and trying to work in a mutual way to have a good time. Sex is about me and him. It should be mutually pleasurable, and fun. I think it’s important to try to communicate with your partner regardless of whether it feels strange at first. Your partner wants you to feel good in the same way you want them to feel good. I also think that with regards to orgasms, if oral sex and manual stimulation work better (it usually does for me!), it’s not the end of the world to not have intercourse every single time we hang out.

Sometimes other forms of stimulation can be just as intimate and personal, so I never feel like I’m not reaching expectations by not having intercourse.

There was an Op Ed in the New York Times
the other day about “hooking up” and how we’re no longer dating, but going out in groups and having sex with friends, or friends of friends … we may become friends with benefits … but if the opportunity (and interest) is there, we’ll move on to the next hook-up.

And this is supposed to be news?

I’m reading this article and thinking about today’s video — having sex, for a long time, without ever having had an orgasm. And I’m thinking about the millions of girls out there whose majority of “numbers” are somewhat drunken hookups … and therefore have never experienced orgasm.

Especially if they do not masturbate and don’t know what orgasm even feels like. I’ve had so many conversations where friends have said “I think I’ve had an orgasm” – translation, I don’t really think I’ve had one but that’s crazy because I’ve had so much sex!

While hook-ups are fun, they unfortunately don’t tend to result in the best sex. In our society sex revolves around the guy getting off. It’s not sex unless he climaxes. If we come – bonus (there are many men who don’t feel this way, but society as a whole dictates that ideal)!

Since hook ups tend to be short-lived we’re not able to be with someone long enough to learn each others bodies, open up, and figure out together what we, as an equal partner, need out of the session to climax or at least get close.

And of course, as we say all the time on Cherry TV – masturbating certainly helps one reach orgasm. It enables you to know what gets you off, so you can then show your partner. Yeah, he/she can try to figure out, but it will probably take a lot longer that way.

Hook-ups will always be a part of single life (if you’re into it, if you’re not – don’t do it!!!). The key is to make them as fulfilling as possible. Reaching orgasm is a great way to do it!

Watch Video: Sex Galore But No Big O

I find this video so interesting because it exhibits how much control women have over their orgasms – even during intercourse. It takes a lot of practice (and confidence) but reaching orgasm basically comes down to two things –  an orgasm-friendly head-space and physical-stimulation.

Mentally, we must be relaxed and present.  No worrying about that pending project or how our breasts look (because if they’re breast – they look AMAZING!) … we need to be in the moment, relaxed and aroused – even if that involves fantasy that has nothing to do with our partner.

Physically, our clitoris (in most cases) needs to be stimulated, and stimulated in a way that feels personally good.  It it’s not being touched the way we like, whether because our partner, through intercourse, isn’t making contact or because he/she isn’t touching it soft/fast/hard/slow enough, go ahead and stimulate it yourself.  It’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to touch herself during sex – it’s actually the easiest way for most of us to get off!

That’s what the women are saying in the video even it doesn’t come across clearly … that they can always get themselves off by using fantasy and self-stimulation, even when their partners didn’t have a clue.

Watch video: Getting Off During Intercourse

I love this episode … besides the fact that the women are having so much fun, they are being brutally honest.  And it brings to life the realities of female orgasm – that it is sometimes really difficult to obtain!

Some would say we fake it ether for our partner or ourselves. But in a relationship or with a regular partner, isn’t it the same thing?  We fake it for ourselves because we are tired.  We fake it for our partner to prevent him from being hurt.  However, we would never fake it for our partner if we weren’t first faking it for ourselves.  Right? I like how Sarah pointed out though that it’s not helpful to fake it before actually having an orgasm with that partner.  Otherwise, he won’t know what really works for you and how long it will take.

Faking it during a one-night stand can be a different story. Nicole in the video talks about having intercourse with different men, not knowing/never having reached orgasm, yet never faking it.  I think that was quite brave of her – to be open with those men and let them know that regardless it won’t happen. I wasn’t so brave.  I faked it during one-night stands before I ever had an orgasm.  I wanted to prove to my partners that I was womanly.  I wanted to show them that I could enjoy sex and get off … all the while feeling inadequate and embarrassed because I couldn’t climax.  Sad, huh??

I think that experience is more common than we realize.  Especially since we receive all these signals indicating that if we don’t orgasm from intercourse we are deficient in some way – that we lack some womanly instinct.  Media is probably the biggest culprit.  We are consistently shown women screaming in ecstasy while having sex, without any other aid but a man and his penis. It’s so misleading!! Images like this compound the fact that female orgasm is easy – and if it doesn’t happen there’s something wrong with us. And if we fake it, that’s wrong too. Ick.

Hopefully, through programming like Cherry TV and open dialog, we can help change that perception (yup, it’s a plug!!).  It’s important to help younger women understand that orgasm isn’t always (or often, depending on who you’re talking to!) reached easily and through intercourse. We need to own our sexuality, and not leave it up our partner to know our bodies and what feels good to us personally.  I mean, come on, they are men (in these cases … because while some of our partners are women, lesbians tend to fake orgasms much, much, much less) and most of them have no idea what is up with our clitoris and our libidinous needs.  Hence, another reason to masturbate (besides it feeling great!).  Only once we know works for us, can we share it with a partner.

We’ve gotten a lot of questions about the G-spot and knew we had to explore it on Fresh Advice. We are thrilled to have Claire Cavanah of Babeland teach us the basics on how to find it and stimulate it. And this is just part one! Part two gets into more detail and will come in a few weeks.

A few things to keep in mind regarding the G-spot …

Firstly, not all women like the sensation G-spot stimulation produces. Some find it irritating or even too faint to register. If that’s the case – so be it!! It’s totally normal not to enjoy G-spot stimulation, as it is normal to enjoy it – either way it is nothing to worry about.

Secondly, in some women, the G-spot produces female ejaculate when stimulated. This is not the case for all across the board. So, whether you ejaculate or not again, it’s normal.

Check it out at: hG-spot Basics

By now perhaps you have seen my new episode of Fresh Advice? The one where I tell you my secrets of how I became something of a Sexual Super Heroine? Well, it’s all true! And you can be one too! If you missed it, it’s a funny story and you can watch it now by clicking here. Bigger Better Orgasms

To recap, here are the simple steps to build strong pelvic (Kegal) muscles:

1. Go to the bathroom and let all of the pee out of your body.

2. Squeeze your pelvic muscles 10 times. (The same muscles you would use to stop the flow of pee. Try to isolate just that muscle.)

3. Do three sets of 10 flexes. For a total of 30 flexes.

4. Be sure to breath deeply. (Just like you would when lifting weights or doing yoga.)

5. Do this three times a day or every time you go pee.

And please, if you have questions, a personal story, or comments to add – leave your comments here. I love to hear what you have to say! xo - Ducky