I learned the hard way that the Pill makes me crazy.

It was the summer of 2006, and I was in a semi- weird place in my life, but nothing that should have been life-altering.
And yet I was exhausted every day, crying for no reason, and just about ready to bite the heads off of family and friends for looking at me the wrong way.

The nurse practitioner who had originally prescribed the Pill for me—when I was 16—had explained it could mess with my mood, but I had shrugged off her concerns. That summer, when my emotional world was collapsing, I confided in my mom. When she explained that nearly half of my extended family is on some sort of mood-stabilizing medication, monitoring my freakouts took on new meaning for me.

I argued and cried my way through the summer, holding on to the idea that a change of scenery come the fall (I was shipping off to study abroad in Paris) would knock me back into my normal emotional routine.

And then I went off the Pill.

For three years my emotions—while admittedly a little more over-the-top than some of my more stoic lady friends—were in check. Sure, I still had some epic bouts of PMS every now and then and semi-regular stress-meltdowns, but my emotions were at least borderline rational.

In the summer of 2009 I was legitimately high on life—I was settling into a dream job in a city I am absolutely in love with, and I was in the happy-go-lucky honeymoon phase of a budding relationship. I hadn’t been involved with someone seriously in a while, and when we decided to become monogamous, he told me how much he disliked condoms.

So I went back on the Pill.

It took surprisingly little time to feel my mood drop. By the third week, my high had flown out the window. I was crabby and annoyed, crying easily, and unsatisfied with the things that were making me ecstatic mere days before.

Afraid of slipping back to the darkness of the summer three years before, I contacted my doctor and told her what was going on. Unfortunately, she told me, pretty much every version of the Pill is likely to have some effect on mood. But she quickly wrote up a prescription for Microgestin, a Pill with a different combination of hormones that might lessen the effects.

That was in August. I noticed a difference with my new pill, but I still didn’t feel completely like myself. When the relationship fizzled out in November, I cursed myself for pumping myself full of hormones for someone who didn’t stick around. But because the Pill did wonders for my period and seriously eased my cramps, I stuck with the daily routine. By February I had started to feel like I was logging a few too many freakouts and I began considering other options.

I talked with my doctor in March about the possibility of getting an IUD. Despite their lingering bad rap, today’s intrauterine devices, Mirena and ParaGard, are not only safe and effective, but extremely popular. In other countries.

Only 2% of American women using contraception use an IUD according to 2007 data. In other countries, these numbers are much higher; 27% of Norwegian women use one!

Mirena, which releases a low dose of hormones, is made of soft plastic and is effective for five years. ParaGard, made from copper, is effective for up to 10 years and contains no hormones. The FDA recommends Mirena for women who have had at least one child, but ParaGard can work for anyone. The small, T-shaped device is thought to work by stopping sperm from reaching an egg, either because the copper in ParaGard acts as a spermicide, or the hormones in Mirena thicken cervical mucus.

My doctor soothed my concerns that I’d only be eligible for an IUD if I had a baby at home, and she was surprisingly positive about the IUD. Still, she suggested trying one more variation of the Pill first and if I was still unhappy, contacting an OB/GYN.

The concern in the past, she explained, was that IUDs may in some cases lead to infections from insertion. And while both are 99% effective in preventing pregnancy, neither protects against sexually transmitted diseases. Six months into a relationship, this monogamy thing still feels a little new to me, but with any luck, it’s going to last a long time, I assured her.

I decided I’d go for one more variation of the Pill—third time’s a charm, right? —so now I’m dutifully taking my Zovia daily. I feel much better than on the Microgestin, but still not completely like myself. Every time I feel myself choking up at a cheesy movie I would have previously dismissed with a scoff, or snapping a little too quickly at my manfriend, a little voice in the back of my mind whispers “Get a IUD already!” (Yes, I realize the implications of mentioning the voices in my head in a blog post about how crazy I am. These are hypothetical voices, I promise.)

Research suggests doctors are still hesitant to prescribe the devices, often because they are not up-to-date on the facts. The IUD got its bad rap from the Dalkon Shield, which led to a number of deaths in the 1970s before manufacturers stopped selling it. The United States staged a massive anti-IUD freakout, while the devices simply gained in popularity around the world. Many doctors also were never properly trained in insertion, so they don’t feel comfortable prescribing an IUD.

At a one-time cost of $175 to $650, including insertion, according to Planned Parenthood, it’s not exactly cheap, but those monthly Pill costs add up, so I’d be saving money in the long-term. And there’s nothing to remember to swallow daily or check monthly, just one insertion and that’s it. I’m willing to put up with the common side effects, like minor spotting and initial cramping, if it means a birth-control-free-mind after that.

But more than anything, I just want to be myself. I sick of my boobs hurting when I go jogging and this never-ending what-am-I-forgetting anxiety and my eyes swollen from crying every other day. I take care of my body in so many other ways—eating healthily, working out, getting good sleep—that pumping my body full of hormones seems contradictory to everything I stand for.

I think I’m ready. I just wish I knew someone who had one, that BFF who could answer every single question from what does insertion feel like, to how do they get it out, to will my partner feel it during sex. So few women in America use an IUD, it’s become the best kept birth control secret. So tell me, what’s your experience with an IUD?

Since spring is in the air — and spring fever (the desire for more sex!) often accompanies it — I thought it’s a good time to bring up the issue of boundaries. Sexual boundaries are often difficult to navigate - especially when they are contrary to what our friends do, what our family wants and/or what our social scene dictates.

And when our sexual boundaries are set, men will sometimes try to push past them. It can be intimidating and hard to hold on. During sex or a make-out session, when we’re at the point where we don’t want to go farther, the guy can be insistent that we keep going. And he’ll give a lot of seemingly reasonable reasons like “But I like you so much and just want to get closer,” “If we stop now I’ll get ‘blue balls’,” and “Don’t worry, we won’t go farther than X.”

Besides pressure from our partner, sometimes WE want to go beyond our boundaries. We’re aroused, having fun, and don’t want to stop (or at least stop at the boundary point)! Add alcohol into the mix, and it’s even harder not to throw our reserves out the window!

For many of us though, setting boundaries before a date is important. It enables us to feel comfortable in the moment — yet establishes a specific point when arousal is not part of the equation — in which we know we’ll feel uncomfortable … or regret afterwords. It’s difficult, but worth it in the end.

One concern we may have when exerting boundaries is that we’ll be called a tease. In theory, we have the right to say no at any time — and it’s totally a misogynistic concept — but unfortunately, some women develop a reputation as a “tease.”

My solution (and I’ve asked a number of guys about this and they all agree it is a good one), is if during the make-out session I don’t put my hand on his penis (over or under his pants), then I don’t feel responsible for helping him get off. Granted, I can rub other parts of my body over that area, but if I don’t put my hand there, I don’t worry about “teasing.” Some guys will grab your hand and try to put it there, but it’s important to say NO in that situation, however hard it may be. It’s rude and inappropriate, and he has to know you will not be manipulated like that.

What I’ll also do to help establish my boundaries is mention them on the way home or to his place to make-out. That way he knows ahead of time what to expect, and if he wants more, I just remind him that I had already told him the limit.

Still - it’s a rough road to travel, establishing and keeping sexual boundaries isn’t easy. In my experience though, it gets easier … and I no longer wake up with that dreaded question “Oh shite, what did I do?”

Check out this video where the women discuss boundaries: Saying Yes and No to Sex

Okay, I’ll admit it, I fake it – a lot. I’ve actually faked it more than I have had an authentic orgasm during sex. And I’m not just talking intercourse here – it’s difficult for me to come when someone else is involved. On my own – done and done. But during sex — when he’s going down on me, using his hand, or during intercourse, I become self conscious, worry about taking too long, and can’t come. I fake it because I’m embarrassed.

Unfortunate, huh?? Women are supposed to come during sex with a man, right? At least that’s what mainstream media would have us believe. Therefore, those of us who can’t climax feel inadequate and unwomanly.

I know, I know … faking orgasm is not a good idea for many reasons – it sets a precedent with that particular partner and it validates the belief that women orgasm the same way men do (intense thrusting in and out). In defense, it’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I’m even comfortable having sex. For years I worried I wasn’t a good lover, and hence couldn’t relax in bed. Now (greatly because of Cherry TV!) I’m confident and easy-going, and open to just enjoying the process.

Yet, I fake orgasm. Often, I don’t really have to do anything except give a little squeak. Recently though, I’ve been telling the guy I’m with that it’s not easy for me, so not to expect much (granted, I’ve still faked it in some of these instances). I’ve also busted out my vibrator to help things along.

For now though, I’m not going beat myself up for it. Knowing I can fake it allows me to be sexual and not feel sexually deficient. I’m ready to trade that for honesty.

Here’s a Cherry TV video on it: Faking Orgasm

And here are some other good links:
Orgasm Help from iVillage
About.com’s Faking Orgasm Overview

Every couple gets into a sexual rut now and then. It could be short lived – after a few sessions the sex feels boring and the couple shakes it up. Or, it could last a long, long time. Ever hear of the seven-year itch? Well, it’s more like a three-year itch for relationships and even less for sex. And considering how many headlines your see on women’s publications declaring suggestions for “Spicing Up Your Sex Life,” it would seem many people are in need of a boost.

Good sex takes work. It’s easy to get comfortable with a specific sexual routine because it’s relatively effortless. And humans are built to get used to things. In order to change the routine, one must usually make a conscious effort and be willing to experiment.

There are a number of ways out of a sexual rut. The key is that both parties are comfortable with the ideas and interested in trying them out. They include: new positions; introducing sex toys, using creams, oils, foods; new locations; and role play (involving props or not). There are also sex games available online and stores – and a huge realm of activities that fall under the category of “kink.”

Most important though, is to talk with your partner and acknowledge the situation (we know, communication blah blah blah, but it is SO important). And yeah, it sucks if one is bored while the other is content – but hopefully the contented party will want to help the other get excited and involved again since it will result in better sex (and, of course, because they care about their feelings).

A great way to find activities/elements to kick-start out of that rut is to tell each other the things you really like. Talk about the activities you’ve thought about doing in bed, the things you’ve done but want more of, and what you fantasize about. In most cases, a number of ideas will overlap – and hence worth trying or doing again.

So, if you find yourself in a rut, think of it as a good thing! It is the natural way to keep that libido bubbling!

And check out this link: Sex Ruts by Chantelle Austin it is a great six part series on ruts!

For videos on this issue:

Help With Boring Sex

Tips and Tricks for Better Sex

My partner looks very young for his age by no fault of his own. He has a clean-shaven baby’s face and it doesn’t help that he’s short. He always gets carded when we go out, he has been mistaken for a peer at a ten year-olds birthday party and in the funniest of stories, upon jumping into  the back of a taxi late one night, a concerned cab driver asked him “Where is your mommy?” I love my partner’s physically characteristics: his jet-black hair against his alabaster skin, his muscular legs and of course his motley colored eyes; just not his childlike appearance.

Once in an attempt to mix things up, he shaved off all is pubic hair. When asked what I thought, I replied that I felt like a cradle robber. His response was an infant like “Goo!”

It did make sex different; there was less hair to get in the way during fellatio and my partner and I engaged in role playing scenarios that involved me being with a stranger.

When asked to talk about or describe my first kiss or even my favorite kiss, I come up with a big blank. I’ve kissed a variety of guys: Black, Italian, Jewish, Puerto Rican, and I’ve never had a soft focus General Hospital kiss. Even now with my partner, I’m not big on kissing. Each morning before my partner gets ready for work, we try to spend some time together cuddling, talking and in my partner’s case kissing. But I will not have any part of it. I twist and turn my head or roll over so that he’s spooning me. My determination is so great, my partner has coined his attempts at obtaining a kiss as “trying to wrestle a fish”.

Is it okay to have sex when I’m pregnant?

If you are having a healthy pregnancy without any complications then it is perfectly okay for you to have sex while you’re pregnant, from conception up to the day you give birth. It is safe for you and vaginal penetration will not hurt the fetus. There are certain medical conditions that may require you to abstain from sex while pregnant, but your OB or midwife will certainly let you know if you fall into this category. And, as with any concerns while you’re pregnant, ask your caregiver. And don’t be shy, believe me, they have heard it all.

Is pregnancy sex enjoyable?

Just like with regular sex it depends on the person. I have been pregnant twice and during both pregnancies I had some of the most intense and enjoyable orgasms of my life. But this is not the experience for everyone. Some people find the changes to the genital area during pregnancy can make sex feel uncomfortable or just too unusual. And often women find that their libido really slows down or their interest wanes when they are pregnant. The opposite can also be true. Some women find the changes to their body very arousing. And the hormone surges can also have the effect of revving up your sex drive. The important thing to remember is that all of these reactions are completely normal. And it’s not uncommon to swing from one extreme to the other over the course of your pregnancy. Communication with your partner is key so that you both know what to expect and how to support each other.

Um, logistics?

There are definitely some positions for vaginal intercourse that just don’t fly when you’re pregnant. During the first trimester your body size is closer to the same so you should still be able to use most positions including “missionary.” However, you might find that nausea, fatigue, breast tenderness or other symptoms just take you out of the game entirely. During the second trimester it may start to become too uncomfortable to be on your back so “missionary” will be out. It’s great to experiment and find the position that gives you the most pleasure since your body will be constantly changing. During the third trimester, especially towards the end, many positions become just impossible. Experiment with being on your side or from behind. Use pillows to help keep you comfortable and keep those lines of communication open.

And beyond vaginal intercourse?

If you are having a healthy pregnancy and you follow common sense rules about hygiene and safety pretty much anything goes. Manual stimulation is a given and can definitely help when the positions get tricky. Masturbation is of course safe and can be even more fun than usual. Many women find that they are able to reach orgasm quicker from clitoral stimulation because they are so much more engorged. Oral sex is perfectly safe. (One thing you might hear about is that your partner should not blow into your vagina during oral sex when you’re pregnant. This is true, it can cause a rare but dangerous complication, but who does this?) A caveat: If you or your partner suffers from oral herpes be sure to discuss this with your caregiver before having oral sex. You can use sex toys, lube, vibrators etc. just keep them clean and don’t do any rough thrusting as plastic can be harder than flesh. Cleanliness is even more imperative when you are pregnant since it is much easier to get a urinary tract infection. Anal sex is also okay but proceed with caution. Like your genitals, your anus is also more engorged during pregnancy so more prone to bleed. Hemorrhoids are also a common pregnancy and anal sex with hemorrhoids? Yikes. Be sure to talk to your practitioner first and get the green light. And again, don’t be shy to bring it up, it’s their job to give you the best information during your pregnancy.

What if my partner is reluctant to have sex now that I’m pregnant?

This is a very common issue that often stems from a fear that somehow the fetus will be harmed. Again, if you are having a normal pregnancy without complications sex is perfectly safe. If your partner is unsure take him or her with you to your next prenatal visit to discuss any issues with your OB or midwife. Sometimes the issue can be the anxiety of becoming a parent or the changes to your relationship. And sometimes your partner might be raring to go but you are the one with anxieties about your body or about your new identity. Open, honest, and frequent communication with your partner about the gamut of feelings you will both be experiencing is very important to keeping your sex life fulfilling during pregnancy. Talk about what is going on and be sure to talk about sex specifically. Getting on the same page with your partner will help set realistic expectations.

Are there any pros to having sex while pregnant?

Aside from all the usual pros (pleasure, intimacy, orgasm, etc) there are some specific to pregnancy. One, you don’t have to worry that you will or will not get pregnant when you are having sex. Logical yes, but it’s surprisingly liberating. It can make sex more enjoyable when these anxieties absent, especially if you’ve had difficulty becoming pregnant. Sex during pregnancy can also help you cope with your changing body. If you have body issues before pregnancy you can be sure you’ll have them during. Anything you can do to help yourself feel positive about your body will help you deal with these issues when they crop up. Lastly, at the very end, when your body is ready, sex can even help bring on labor. At the very least it gives you something to do when you’re sitting around waiting. Good luck with your pregnancy and have fun!

Dear Cherry-

All my young life I was an orgasm champ– seriously- from masturbating at 6 with friends or alone, to riding seemingly any man (later age!) I hopped on and got off, so to speak. Then I had a very crap relationship in which sexual humiliation occurred, and ever since, (that was about 7 years ago!!!) I cannot orgasm the same at all. I have had another relationship since, in which I was able to build my orgasms back up, and I was so happy and am happy for that, but as far as one-night stands, it is horrible. I can be extremely turned on but when I decide to go for it, I am not really there, because I am worried that I won’t orgasm. I concentrate hard and it makes it worse. Of course I can orgasm by myself, though, in under a minute.

I feel my vagina is on strike. It bothers me. I want to be in charge here, bad choices and all.

Any thoughts??
Thanks,
anonymous!

Dear Anonymous,

Yes, it’s really hard and quite depressing know that you are unable to experience orgasm in situations that you used to be quite orgasmic in.

Basically, it appears as if something is going on psychologically and opposed to physically - and we are certainly not qualified to council you on emotional issues that may be playing a part. However, there are many great therapists out there who specialize in sex that you may want to talk to.

Keep in the mind though that the more you focus on your orgasm, the less likely it will happen. And it sounds as if you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself - it’s working against you. Sex does not have to be about orgasm. It’s the whole experience, and if it ends in orgasm - awesome.

And, if as you say, your old motivation is gone - then it would be quite helpful to try and figure out why you are sleeping with whomever you are sleeping with. As we age, we respond differently to the intimacy that develops during sex. I’ve known a number of women who decided to be celibate in order to figure out what they wanted sexually.

Lastly, since you are able to come on your own would you feel comfortable self-stimulating during sex so you know you’ll at least get off during the session? Masturbation is always a great way to come!

Anyway, good luck! And let us know when ensues!

~ Cherry TV

And, here’s some videos on the issue: Do I Have A Disorder?,  Check Your Head For Sex

Little Cherry,

I recently got tested for STDs, but my doctor said I was unable to get checked for HPV (apparently since I’m a guy.) I’ve been kind of worried about it since I heard you can have HPV without symptoms. Is there anything else I can do to find out if I have it? Also, is there anything that my girlfriend can do to help protect herself? We’re both pretty concerned.

-Steve

Steve,

Thanks for your question. I’m really glad to see that you’re looking out for your sexual health. Unfortunately, there are no FDA-approved methods of testing for HPV in men. In fact, there are no general “HPV status” tests available for anyone (although a woman’s Pap can detect abnormal cells which may be run for HPV.) Some men become aware of having HPV due to a development of bumps around the genital area, including the thighs, scrotum, and penis. [If you would show any signs of infection, make sure to see your doctor for an evaluation, ASAP.] Yet, other men show no symptoms at all. In order to help reduce your risks of contracting HPV, you may want to wear condoms or refrain from sexual activity. In the event you are already infected with HPV, your body will most likely fight off the infection within a year or two. In fact, the CDC estimates that about 90% of both low and high-risk infections can clear up within this time frame.  (Still, be aware that you may pass it on to others!)

In regards to your girlfriend, HPV can pose some serious risks for women, including cervical cancer. One thing she should definitely do is get her periodic Pap tests done. (Some clinicians want patients to come in yearly, provided the results consistently come back within normal limits… Others prefer every other year.  Your girlfriend should consult with her health care provider to come up with a time line that fits her needs.) Another option might be the Guardasil vaccine, which can help prevent against four types of HPV responsible for most of the cervical cancers and genital warts. If she’s interested, have her talk to her health care provider for more information.

And here’s a great video on STD testing. It talks about HPV briefly, but also provides great information on testing for other sexually transmitted diseases: STD Testing

Hope this helps.

Keep asking questions,
Little Cherry

Little Cherry,

My girlfriend and I have been having some major relationship problems lately… Well, I guess most of the problems are actually mine. This is my first lesbian relationship… Although I’m crazy about my partner, I freeze up in bed and can’t become aroused. (This seems to be a combo of mental and physical problems.) I was wondering if there was some type of female Viagra out there that could help fix my arousal problem.

-Med-Head

Dear Med Head,

Nope, no female Viagra… At least not yet. Though many pharmaceutical meetings have been held to promote a future ‘Pink Viagra,’ clinical studies have nevertheless proven that Sildenafil (a.k.a. Viagra) has no significant effect on female sexual arousal disorder for most women. How could this be? As you may know, some major differences generally exist between male and female sexual responses. For instance, research suggests that while men’s excitement seems to correlate with penile engorgement, women’s desire does not necessarily match up with their physiological excitement. Therefore, your arousal issue may have nothing to do with your blood flow ‘down there.’ [You really should be checked out by a physician to rule this out, though. It’s a critical first step in treating any sexual dysfunction!]

So, what’s a girl to do? Some doctors believe that the vast majority of women can relieve their sexual problems through education about female sexuality and sexual response. Unfortunately, many people’s sexual education only comes from high school sex-ed, which (if you had a program like mine) somehow finds a way to mysteriously omit the clit from female anatomical diagrams. For this reason, it may be beneficial for you to seek out other sources of information, whether through books, articles, forums, conversations, websites, counselors, doctors- you name it! [Might I recommend our video ‘Do I have a Disorder?’] Just make sure to use your best judgment in regards to the quality of info you’re getting throughout your search.

One more thought: do you think you may be having anxiety or confusion due to being in your first lesbian relationship? If so, this can certainly play a role in your arousal problems. Because we live in a society which constantly bombards us with images of ‘proper’ sexuality (i.e. guy/girl; same race; unrealistic bodies; blah, blah, blah), it’s easy to feel shame and guilt about deviating from the supposed norm. Talking your feelings out with your partner or another confidante might be helpful. A sex counselor or therapist could also have some useful suggestions for you, if you decide to take that route.

Best of luck (and keep asking questions),
Little Cherry

Have your own question?  Please send questions to “questions at cherrytv dot com”(trying to avoid the spam spiders by spelling it out!). We’ll attempt to address it here on the blog and possibly even cover it on a show.