Every couple gets into a sexual rut now and then. It could be short lived – after a few sessions the sex feels boring and the couple shakes it up. Or, it could last a long, long time. Ever hear of the seven-year itch? Well, it’s more like a three-year itch for relationships and even less for sex. And considering how many headlines your see on women’s publications declaring suggestions for “Spicing Up Your Sex Life,” it would seem many people are in need of a boost.

Good sex takes work. It’s easy to get comfortable with a specific sexual routine because it’s relatively effortless. And humans are built to get used to things. In order to change the routine, one must usually make a conscious effort and be willing to experiment.

There are a number of ways out of a sexual rut. The key is that both parties are comfortable with the ideas and interested in trying them out. They include: new positions; introducing sex toys, using creams, oils, foods; new locations; and role play (involving props or not). There are also sex games available online and stores – and a huge realm of activities that fall under the category of “kink.”

Most important though, is to talk with your partner and acknowledge the situation (we know, communication blah blah blah, but it is SO important). And yeah, it sucks if one is bored while the other is content – but hopefully the contented party will want to help the other get excited and involved again since it will result in better sex (and, of course, because they care about their feelings).

A great way to find activities/elements to kick-start out of that rut is to tell each other the things you really like. Talk about the activities you’ve thought about doing in bed, the things you’ve done but want more of, and what you fantasize about. In most cases, a number of ideas will overlap – and hence worth trying or doing again.

So, if you find yourself in a rut, think of it as a good thing! It is the natural way to keep that libido bubbling!

And check out this link: Sex Ruts by Chantelle Austin it is a great six part series on ruts!

For videos on this issue:

Help With Boring Sex

Tips and Tricks for Better Sex

Is it okay to have sex when I’m pregnant?

If you are having a healthy pregnancy without any complications then it is perfectly okay for you to have sex while you’re pregnant, from conception up to the day you give birth. It is safe for you and vaginal penetration will not hurt the fetus. There are certain medical conditions that may require you to abstain from sex while pregnant, but your OB or midwife will certainly let you know if you fall into this category. And, as with any concerns while you’re pregnant, ask your caregiver. And don’t be shy, believe me, they have heard it all.

Is pregnancy sex enjoyable?

Just like with regular sex it depends on the person. I have been pregnant twice and during both pregnancies I had some of the most intense and enjoyable orgasms of my life. But this is not the experience for everyone. Some people find the changes to the genital area during pregnancy can make sex feel uncomfortable or just too unusual. And often women find that their libido really slows down or their interest wanes when they are pregnant. The opposite can also be true. Some women find the changes to their body very arousing. And the hormone surges can also have the effect of revving up your sex drive. The important thing to remember is that all of these reactions are completely normal. And it’s not uncommon to swing from one extreme to the other over the course of your pregnancy. Communication with your partner is key so that you both know what to expect and how to support each other.

Um, logistics?

There are definitely some positions for vaginal intercourse that just don’t fly when you’re pregnant. During the first trimester your body size is closer to the same so you should still be able to use most positions including “missionary.” However, you might find that nausea, fatigue, breast tenderness or other symptoms just take you out of the game entirely. During the second trimester it may start to become too uncomfortable to be on your back so “missionary” will be out. It’s great to experiment and find the position that gives you the most pleasure since your body will be constantly changing. During the third trimester, especially towards the end, many positions become just impossible. Experiment with being on your side or from behind. Use pillows to help keep you comfortable and keep those lines of communication open.

And beyond vaginal intercourse?

If you are having a healthy pregnancy and you follow common sense rules about hygiene and safety pretty much anything goes. Manual stimulation is a given and can definitely help when the positions get tricky. Masturbation is of course safe and can be even more fun than usual. Many women find that they are able to reach orgasm quicker from clitoral stimulation because they are so much more engorged. Oral sex is perfectly safe. (One thing you might hear about is that your partner should not blow into your vagina during oral sex when you’re pregnant. This is true, it can cause a rare but dangerous complication, but who does this?) A caveat: If you or your partner suffers from oral herpes be sure to discuss this with your caregiver before having oral sex. You can use sex toys, lube, vibrators etc. just keep them clean and don’t do any rough thrusting as plastic can be harder than flesh. Cleanliness is even more imperative when you are pregnant since it is much easier to get a urinary tract infection. Anal sex is also okay but proceed with caution. Like your genitals, your anus is also more engorged during pregnancy so more prone to bleed. Hemorrhoids are also a common pregnancy and anal sex with hemorrhoids? Yikes. Be sure to talk to your practitioner first and get the green light. And again, don’t be shy to bring it up, it’s their job to give you the best information during your pregnancy.

What if my partner is reluctant to have sex now that I’m pregnant?

This is a very common issue that often stems from a fear that somehow the fetus will be harmed. Again, if you are having a normal pregnancy without complications sex is perfectly safe. If your partner is unsure take him or her with you to your next prenatal visit to discuss any issues with your OB or midwife. Sometimes the issue can be the anxiety of becoming a parent or the changes to your relationship. And sometimes your partner might be raring to go but you are the one with anxieties about your body or about your new identity. Open, honest, and frequent communication with your partner about the gamut of feelings you will both be experiencing is very important to keeping your sex life fulfilling during pregnancy. Talk about what is going on and be sure to talk about sex specifically. Getting on the same page with your partner will help set realistic expectations.

Are there any pros to having sex while pregnant?

Aside from all the usual pros (pleasure, intimacy, orgasm, etc) there are some specific to pregnancy. One, you don’t have to worry that you will or will not get pregnant when you are having sex. Logical yes, but it’s surprisingly liberating. It can make sex more enjoyable when these anxieties absent, especially if you’ve had difficulty becoming pregnant. Sex during pregnancy can also help you cope with your changing body. If you have body issues before pregnancy you can be sure you’ll have them during. Anything you can do to help yourself feel positive about your body will help you deal with these issues when they crop up. Lastly, at the very end, when your body is ready, sex can even help bring on labor. At the very least it gives you something to do when you’re sitting around waiting. Good luck with your pregnancy and have fun!

Cherry TV Land,

A few months ago, I answered a question regarding ‘Female Viagra.’ In the post, I briefly explained why Sildenafil (Viagra) has not proven to be effective for most women. (To read the article, click here.) I’m writing now as an update on the ‘Female Viagra’ debate. The pharmaceutical company Boehringer Ingelheim is currently marketing a drug called Flibanserin (a type of anti-depressant) as a treatment for Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD) in women. Since past research has tried to link women’s low libido with hormonal problems [anybody remember the Intrinsa testosterone patch that didn’t make it?], HSDD as a ‘head problem’ is somewhat novel. Still, one must ask herself if it’s all worth it. Flibanserin would need to be taken daily for 3-6 weeks before any effect would be noticed (plus continuously after.) Also, long-term safety information is still lacking. On the plus side, it does seem that Flibanserin could encourage further patient-clinician dialogue regarding sexual health and satisfaction for women. Let’s just hope the conversation incorporates some of the other countless possible explanations for changes in a woman’s sexual desire.

What are your feelings on a ‘Female Viagra?’ Should women’s sexual problems continue to be medicalized? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!

-Little Cherry

Little Cherry,

I recently got tested for STDs, but my doctor said I was unable to get checked for HPV (apparently since I’m a guy.) I’ve been kind of worried about it since I heard you can have HPV without symptoms. Is there anything else I can do to find out if I have it? Also, is there anything that my girlfriend can do to help protect herself? We’re both pretty concerned.

-Steve

Steve,

Thanks for your question. I’m really glad to see that you’re looking out for your sexual health. Unfortunately, there are no FDA-approved methods of testing for HPV in men. In fact, there are no general “HPV status” tests available for anyone (although a woman’s Pap can detect abnormal cells which may be run for HPV.) Some men become aware of having HPV due to a development of bumps around the genital area, including the thighs, scrotum, and penis. [If you would show any signs of infection, make sure to see your doctor for an evaluation, ASAP.] Yet, other men show no symptoms at all. In order to help reduce your risks of contracting HPV, you may want to wear condoms or refrain from sexual activity. In the event you are already infected with HPV, your body will most likely fight off the infection within a year or two. In fact, the CDC estimates that about 90% of both low and high-risk infections can clear up within this time frame.  (Still, be aware that you may pass it on to others!)

In regards to your girlfriend, HPV can pose some serious risks for women, including cervical cancer. One thing she should definitely do is get her periodic Pap tests done. (Some clinicians want patients to come in yearly, provided the results consistently come back within normal limits… Others prefer every other year.  Your girlfriend should consult with her health care provider to come up with a time line that fits her needs.) Another option might be the Guardasil vaccine, which can help prevent against four types of HPV responsible for most of the cervical cancers and genital warts. If she’s interested, have her talk to her health care provider for more information.

And here’s a great video on STD testing. It talks about HPV briefly, but also provides great information on testing for other sexually transmitted diseases: STD Testing

Hope this helps.

Keep asking questions,
Little Cherry

Little Cherry,

My girlfriend and I have been having some major relationship problems lately… Well, I guess most of the problems are actually mine. This is my first lesbian relationship… Although I’m crazy about my partner, I freeze up in bed and can’t become aroused. (This seems to be a combo of mental and physical problems.) I was wondering if there was some type of female Viagra out there that could help fix my arousal problem.

-Med-Head

Dear Med Head,

Nope, no female Viagra… At least not yet. Though many pharmaceutical meetings have been held to promote a future ‘Pink Viagra,’ clinical studies have nevertheless proven that Sildenafil (a.k.a. Viagra) has no significant effect on female sexual arousal disorder for most women. How could this be? As you may know, some major differences generally exist between male and female sexual responses. For instance, research suggests that while men’s excitement seems to correlate with penile engorgement, women’s desire does not necessarily match up with their physiological excitement. Therefore, your arousal issue may have nothing to do with your blood flow ‘down there.’ [You really should be checked out by a physician to rule this out, though. It’s a critical first step in treating any sexual dysfunction!]

So, what’s a girl to do? Some doctors believe that the vast majority of women can relieve their sexual problems through education about female sexuality and sexual response. Unfortunately, many people’s sexual education only comes from high school sex-ed, which (if you had a program like mine) somehow finds a way to mysteriously omit the clit from female anatomical diagrams. For this reason, it may be beneficial for you to seek out other sources of information, whether through books, articles, forums, conversations, websites, counselors, doctors- you name it! [Might I recommend our video ‘Do I have a Disorder?’] Just make sure to use your best judgment in regards to the quality of info you’re getting throughout your search.

One more thought: do you think you may be having anxiety or confusion due to being in your first lesbian relationship? If so, this can certainly play a role in your arousal problems. Because we live in a society which constantly bombards us with images of ‘proper’ sexuality (i.e. guy/girl; same race; unrealistic bodies; blah, blah, blah), it’s easy to feel shame and guilt about deviating from the supposed norm. Talking your feelings out with your partner or another confidante might be helpful. A sex counselor or therapist could also have some useful suggestions for you, if you decide to take that route.

Best of luck (and keep asking questions),
Little Cherry

Have your own question?  Please send questions to “questions at cherrytv dot com”(trying to avoid the spam spiders by spelling it out!). We’ll attempt to address it here on the blog and possibly even cover it on a show.

Little Cherry,

I’ve got a question for you about the pill. I met someone at work who was telling me that she took birth control pills everyday so that she wouldn’t have a period. Can you even do that? Does it depend on the brand? Is that dangerous? What’s going on? I’m not taking the pill, but if it could prevent my periods, I’d be all for it. Help me, please!

-No-Mo-Aunt-Flo

NMAF,

In regards to your friend, it’s difficult to know exactly what type of pill she is taking and how it may affect her health. What I can tell you is how birth control pills can prevent monthly bleeding… Perhaps this will help.

There are two main types of birth control pills: combined hormonal pills and progestin-only pills. Some women use monophasic combined hormonal pills (meaning that all of the active pills contain the same level of hormones) for continuous cycling. Continuous cycling is a term used to describe the process of skipping the placebo pills in order to prevent bleeding. Also, the progestin-only pills (A.K.A. ‘POPs’ or ‘mini-pills’) are taken everyday, which causes many women to eventually stop bleeding. [Other progestin-only birth control methods include the Implanon implant and the Depo-Provera shot.] The reason why these methods can prevent bleeding is that the constant hormone levels keep the uterine lining from getting thick- meaning, very simply, that there just isn’t anything to shed. Many professionals feel that skipping monthly bleeding in this manner should not be considered dangerous for a woman’s health. However, I would still recommend that you choose your birth control method in consultation with a clinician.

No matter what pill/method you choose, make sure you whip out your magnifying glass for that FDA fine-print pamphlet. Though it may be a dry read, side effects like headaches, abdominal pain, chest pain, eye pain, and severe leg pain really do need to be addressed immediately!

To find out more about birth control pills, check out our episode “Hormonal Birth Control.”

Keep asking questions,
Little Cherry

Have your own question?  Please send questions to “questions at cherrytv dot com”(trying to avoid the spam spiders by spelling it out!). We’ll attempt to address it here on the blog and possibly even cover it on a show.

You hear it all the time. In magazines, advice columns, and here on Cherry TV. People are always telling you “how to get what you want” in bed. And the big question that a lot of women have and so few ask is, “what exactly IS IT that I want?”

It seems like weird question.  Shouldn’t I know? NO! You shouldn’t. Like anything else, you have to learn. When I first became sexually active, this was a huge problem for me. I kept hearing that to make my sex life better I just had to ask for what I wanted. The problem was, I just didn’t get what it was I was supposed to be asking for. As far as I knew, I didn’t really have any special fantasies, nor did I identify myself with any fetishes. I just wanted to have sex, and I wanted it to feel good. And when I hooked up with a guy, it was either good or it wasn’t, and I had no idea why.

The thing is…like many other young women, I equated being sexually independent and sexually active with being sexually empowered, and that really isn’t the case. In order to truly be sexually empowered, you have to be sexually self-aware.

How do you become sexually self-aware?

• Masturbate…Intelligently. And Frequently.

Before I became sexually self-aware, it’s not that I didn’t masturbate. Actually, I masturbated all the time, and pretty much always in the same way. But I never really thought about what I was doing, I just kind of went for it. That, my friends, is NOT masturbating intelligently. The next time you go solo, here’s what you should do.

* Make sure you have a substantial block of time to devote to masturbating, and make sure you’re in the right mood. Do whatever you need to do…light candles, put on some music, hang black leather curtains on your windows…..whatever’s going to make you feel relaxed and sexy.

*Now, start masturbating the way you normally do, and PAY ATTENTION to the movements you’re making. Are you touching your breasts while you masturbate? How? Are you squeezing or caressing? What are you doing with your clit…are you rubbing or flicking? Are you going fast or slow? Ask yourself all the simple questions you would never THINK to ask yourself because it’s so natural to you. Think of it this way…your partner won’t just “naturally” know how to touch you!

*Purposefully change your movements, and see if it feels better or worse. Move your fingers up and down on your clitoris instead of in a circle…try squeezing it or lightly slapping it, and pay attention to how your body responds. Touch your inner thighs, touch your neck, and again…PAY ATTENTION. Maybe you’ll find that there’s some movement that works better for you than your old routine, and that’s a plus…but most of all, you’re doing this so you can get a handle on exactly what motions work to get you off.

*Masturbating is a great way to find out what physical motions your body responds to, but it’s also a good way to figure out what kind of tone you’re looking for in a sexual encounter. What are you thinking about when you masturbate? A lot of times, the answer is…nothing. So make a conscious effort to imagine different sexual scenarios when you’re lovin’ on yourself. Having trouble coming up with material? This brings me to technique number two.

• Watch Porn!

*It’s not exactly scientific, and sure…what you’re watching isn’t always realistic, but you’ll get the general idea. Watch as many different kinds of porn as you can…softcore, hardcore, fetish porn, whatever you can find. And what are you going to do? You’re going to PAY ATTENTION. You’ll find yourself involuntarily getting turned on by certain scenes and certain actions. Ask yourself why! Did you like that the sex was rough? Did you like the idea of being slowly caressed? Did you like the idea of being dominated? Of dominating? A lot of times, we don’t stop and ask ourselves these simple questions, and they are SO crucial to realizing sexual desires that you didn’t even know you had.

• But Don’t Limit Yourself to Porn!

*Don’t just think about what gets you off when you’re watching a porno, think about it any chance you get! Any time you get turned on…watching a movie, reading a book, people watching, make a mental note. Any time you’re just bored and need something to do, FANTASIZE. The key to being sexually self-aware is not just having sex, or thinking about having sex, it’s thinking about HOW you LIKE to have sex.

In the short run, these tricks will help steer you in the right direction when you’re trying to figure out what you want out of sex, and out of your partner. But in the long run, like anything else, it’s a process. The more you do it, the more you’ll learn. And now that you know what you want? Go on and get it, girl!

Videos on this topic: Why We Love Masturbation, Better Sex Through Self Loving, Sex and Body Image

Little Cherry,

I have been sexually active for a few years and am interested in taking birth control. (Don’t worry, I already get tested for STDs!) I did some research online about cervical caps and diaphragms, but I still can’t tell them apart. Can you please tell me what the difference is and why people use them.

-Confused

Dear Confused,

Great questions! In a lot of ways, diaphragms and cervical caps are very similar. Both are prescription forms of birth control, which function as barrier methods- meaning that they block the sperm from entering into the uterus, thus preventing pregnancy. (They do so by covering the cervix.) They also require the use of spermicide, which helps to kill off the sperm. If taken care of properly, cervical caps and diaphragms can both last for a couple of years. Nevertheless, there are a few key differences.

Differences between cervical caps and diaphragms include:

· Cervical caps come in only a few set sizes, which unfortunately do not cater to all women’s shapes. Diaphragms, on the other hand, are specifically fit to each body by a doctor.

· The diaphragm covers not only the cervix, but also some of the area around the cervix. By covering more surface area, it may help to protect against some STDs. (*Even so, you still need to use a latex condom with either one of these methods in order to prevent STD transmission!)

· Cervical caps and diaphragms must be kept in prior to and post sex for different amounts of time. Ask your doctor for more specific details.

When picking out your birth control, I’ve got a bit of advice to keep in mind: birth control is not only a product, but also a method. I stress this because if it doesn’t fit into your lifestyle, it’s very easy to take the product incorrectly (resulting in a drop in the effectiveness rate.) As I’ve already mentioned, both forms of birth control require you to prepare for sex ahead of time. Do you need something spur of the moment? Also, are you comfortable feeling around for your cervix and inserting the birth control? This is certainly not to discourage you from using the diaphragm or cervical cap. They can both be really great options, especially for those unable to use hormonal methods. Since you are interested in learning more, I would definitely recommend speaking to your health care provider about any birth control questions or concerns. Also, check out our episode entitled ‘Barrier Birth Control’ for more advice. Hopefully, you’ll find a method that’s a ‘great fit.’

Ask questions!,
Little Cherry

Have your own question? Please send questions to “questions at cherrytv dot com” (trying to avoid the spam spiders by spelling it out!). We’ll attempt to address it here on the blog and possibly even cover it on a show.

As we know, sex is an awesome, yet sometimes overwhelming topic.  On Cherry TV, we try to address as many female-oriented intimacy issues as possible – but unfortunately we’ll never be able to provide answers and insight into everything.  However, if you have a specific question you are curious about, let us know!  We’ll attempt to address it here on the blog and possibly even cover it on a show.
Please send questions to “questions at cherrytv dot com” (trying to avoid the spam spiders by spelling it out!).  Keep in mind the focus of Cherry TV is women, and inquiries/topics from women will always take priority.

Little Cherry,

Lately I have been hearing a lot about the importance of penis girth. What’s with that? Excuse me if I’m wrong, but didn’t it used to be all about the length? Nowadays, most women despise thin erections- apparently because they don’t provide the stimulation and full feeling they seem to crave. This doesn’t make any sense to me, though.

What is a guy with a thinner than average penis to do???

-Thin’s Not In?

Dear Thin’s Not In?,

Let me give you the scoop on penis length/girth.  As you might know, most of the nerve endings are concentrated in the outer 1/3 of the vagina (closest to the opening.)  That’s why a lot of people say that the length of the penis doesn’t actually make much of a difference.  Though I have heard some women say they prefer girth to length, I have also heard the opposite. There’s a wide variety of preferences. I don’t know much about your situation, but I would definitely advise you to consider whether your troubles might merely be imagined on your end. After all, men (like women) are constantly bombarded with images of ideal body types that only a small proportion of the population actually have. There could certainly be some body dysmorphic disorder going on (which, to put it simply, means that you are getting anxious and preoccupied with your perceived physical flaw.) If you can’t seem to shake the negative feelings, please consider talking to a professional.

Also, if a partner has told you your girth is an issue, keep this in mind:  only about 4 in 10 women can orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. If your partner can’t achieve orgasm strictly from intercourse, this may have more to do with a lack of clitoral stimulation than your girth. (She might not be aware of this herself… Or, who knows, maybe she is. The following advice assumes you haven’t ditched her for being perhaps a bit too demanding and judgmental.) If she’s having troubles, you could always try putting more focus on foreplay.  (Check out our episode “The Importance of Foreplay.”) By taking your time getting ‘warmed up,’ she may have an easier time achieving orgasm, regardless of your size.

My main advice?  Work what you’ve got! Very few women know the specific girth of their partners, but I guarantee they notice their confidence.

You may also want to check out the following videos, in which the Cherry Dish ladies discuss their spectrum of different penis preferences:

Penis & Testicles
Penis Cut & Size

Best of luck,
Little Cherry

Have your own question? Please send questions to “questions at cherrytv dot com” (trying to avoid the spam spiders by spelling it out!).

As we know, sex is an awesome, yet sometimes overwhelming topic.  On Cherry TV, we try to address as many female-oriented intimacy issues as possible – but unfortunately we’ll never be able to provide answers and insight into everything.  However, if you have a specific question you are curious about, let us know!  We’ll attempt to address it here on the blog and possibly even cover it on a show.
Please send questions to “questions at cherrytv dot com” (trying to avoid the spam spiders by spelling it out!).  Keep in mind the focus of Cherry TV is women, and inquiries/topics from women will always take priority.

With that said, let’s go to our first question….

Little Cherry,

My boyfriend and I have recently been experimenting with having sex in public. This can range anywhere from being in the back of my car to being on a park bench. Not only do we like the fresh air, but we also get really aroused from the prospect of being caught. However, we don’t actually want to be discovered by the police, of course! I try to always wear big billowy skirts and keep a look-out, but lately I’ve been feeling extremely nervous. I was wondering if you could tell me what kind of legal risks are involved when we’re doing it outside. Thanks.

-Show and Don’t Tell

Dear Show and Don’t Tell,

Generally speaking, indecent exposure means showing your genitals (and/or “private parts,” which may include breasts and butt) in a place where viewers are expected. Indecent exposure is usually charged as a misdemeanor offense. However, under certain circumstances, such as being in the presence of a minor, the charge can certainly be aggravated. (This might even mean having to register as a sex offender, which can affect your ability to enter into employment or higher education.) The laws vary by state, so without knowing your location, I could only recommend to do some of your own research on the legal repercussions in your particular area. You should also keep in mind that public sex can be considered as disturbing the peace, which can bring about additional consequences.

An online survey in 2006 showed that about 22% of men and women have had sex in some sort of public venue. As you’ve described, the ‘thrill factor’ does seem to play a strong role in many people’s motivation. However, if you and your boyfriend can only become aroused in the presence of others, your behavior might be leaning towards paraphilia. In other words, you repeatedly become intensely aroused from something deemed socially unconventional or deviant. If this is the case, you should consider speaking with a trained professional, such as a therapist or counselor, for some psychological and emotional guidance.

With all this being said, you may still decide it’s worth it. (Many people do!) I would recommend sharing this information with your boyfriend, as well. That way, the two of you can hopefully decide upon something that makes you both feel comfortable.

Take care,
Little Cherry

Have your own question? Please send questions to “questions at cherrytv dot com” (trying to avoid the spam spiders by spelling it out!).