You hear it all the time. In magazines, advice columns, and here on Cherry TV. People are always telling you “how to get what you want” in bed. And the big question that a lot of women have and so few ask is, “what exactly IS IT that I want?”

It seems like weird question.  Shouldn’t I know? NO! You shouldn’t. Like anything else, you have to learn. When I first became sexually active, this was a huge problem for me. I kept hearing that to make my sex life better I just had to ask for what I wanted. The problem was, I just didn’t get what it was I was supposed to be asking for. As far as I knew, I didn’t really have any special fantasies, nor did I identify myself with any fetishes. I just wanted to have sex, and I wanted it to feel good. And when I hooked up with a guy, it was either good or it wasn’t, and I had no idea why.

The thing is…like many other young women, I equated being sexually independent and sexually active with being sexually empowered, and that really isn’t the case. In order to truly be sexually empowered, you have to be sexually self-aware.

How do you become sexually self-aware?

• Masturbate…Intelligently. And Frequently.

Before I became sexually self-aware, it’s not that I didn’t masturbate. Actually, I masturbated all the time, and pretty much always in the same way. But I never really thought about what I was doing, I just kind of went for it. That, my friends, is NOT masturbating intelligently. The next time you go solo, here’s what you should do.

* Make sure you have a substantial block of time to devote to masturbating, and make sure you’re in the right mood. Do whatever you need to do…light candles, put on some music, hang black leather curtains on your windows…..whatever’s going to make you feel relaxed and sexy.

*Now, start masturbating the way you normally do, and PAY ATTENTION to the movements you’re making. Are you touching your breasts while you masturbate? How? Are you squeezing or caressing? What are you doing with your clit…are you rubbing or flicking? Are you going fast or slow? Ask yourself all the simple questions you would never THINK to ask yourself because it’s so natural to you. Think of it this way…your partner won’t just “naturally” know how to touch you!

*Purposefully change your movements, and see if it feels better or worse. Move your fingers up and down on your clitoris instead of in a circle…try squeezing it or lightly slapping it, and pay attention to how your body responds. Touch your inner thighs, touch your neck, and again…PAY ATTENTION. Maybe you’ll find that there’s some movement that works better for you than your old routine, and that’s a plus…but most of all, you’re doing this so you can get a handle on exactly what motions work to get you off.

*Masturbating is a great way to find out what physical motions your body responds to, but it’s also a good way to figure out what kind of tone you’re looking for in a sexual encounter. What are you thinking about when you masturbate? A lot of times, the answer is…nothing. So make a conscious effort to imagine different sexual scenarios when you’re lovin’ on yourself. Having trouble coming up with material? This brings me to technique number two.

• Watch Porn!

*It’s not exactly scientific, and sure…what you’re watching isn’t always realistic, but you’ll get the general idea. Watch as many different kinds of porn as you can…softcore, hardcore, fetish porn, whatever you can find. And what are you going to do? You’re going to PAY ATTENTION. You’ll find yourself involuntarily getting turned on by certain scenes and certain actions. Ask yourself why! Did you like that the sex was rough? Did you like the idea of being slowly caressed? Did you like the idea of being dominated? Of dominating? A lot of times, we don’t stop and ask ourselves these simple questions, and they are SO crucial to realizing sexual desires that you didn’t even know you had.

• But Don’t Limit Yourself to Porn!

*Don’t just think about what gets you off when you’re watching a porno, think about it any chance you get! Any time you get turned on…watching a movie, reading a book, people watching, make a mental note. Any time you’re just bored and need something to do, FANTASIZE. The key to being sexually self-aware is not just having sex, or thinking about having sex, it’s thinking about HOW you LIKE to have sex.

In the short run, these tricks will help steer you in the right direction when you’re trying to figure out what you want out of sex, and out of your partner. But in the long run, like anything else, it’s a process. The more you do it, the more you’ll learn. And now that you know what you want? Go on and get it, girl!

Videos on this topic: Why We Love Masturbation, Better Sex Through Self Loving, Sex and Body Image

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