Dear Cherry-

All my young life I was an orgasm champ– seriously- from masturbating at 6 with friends or alone, to riding seemingly any man (later age!) I hopped on and got off, so to speak. Then I had a very crap relationship in which sexual humiliation occurred, and ever since, (that was about 7 years ago!!!) I cannot orgasm the same at all. I have had another relationship since, in which I was able to build my orgasms back up, and I was so happy and am happy for that, but as far as one-night stands, it is horrible. I can be extremely turned on but when I decide to go for it, I am not really there, because I am worried that I won’t orgasm. I concentrate hard and it makes it worse. Of course I can orgasm by myself, though, in under a minute.

I feel my vagina is on strike. It bothers me. I want to be in charge here, bad choices and all.

Any thoughts??
Thanks,
anonymous!

Dear Anonymous,

Yes, it’s really hard and quite depressing know that you are unable to experience orgasm in situations that you used to be quite orgasmic in.

Basically, it appears as if something is going on psychologically and opposed to physically - and we are certainly not qualified to council you on emotional issues that may be playing a part. However, there are many great therapists out there who specialize in sex that you may want to talk to.

Keep in the mind though that the more you focus on your orgasm, the less likely it will happen. And it sounds as if you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself - it’s working against you. Sex does not have to be about orgasm. It’s the whole experience, and if it ends in orgasm - awesome.

And, if as you say, your old motivation is gone - then it would be quite helpful to try and figure out why you are sleeping with whomever you are sleeping with. As we age, we respond differently to the intimacy that develops during sex. I’ve known a number of women who decided to be celibate in order to figure out what they wanted sexually.

Lastly, since you are able to come on your own would you feel comfortable self-stimulating during sex so you know you’ll at least get off during the session? Masturbation is always a great way to come!

Anyway, good luck! And let us know when ensues!

~ Cherry TV

And, here’s some videos on the issue: Do I Have A Disorder?,  Check Your Head For Sex

I recently received a question on the Cherry TV site from a woman who has been faking orgasm while with her boyfriend, but reached the point that she wants to experience it for real. She also mentioned that she doesn’t know what an orgasm feels like — that’s she’s tried masturbating, but hasn’t had any luck. I would like to print my response here because it seems as if this situation is not so unusual.

Firstly, we would suggest getting a vibrator. There are a number of places you can order one online – and no one will know you’ve purchased one. (Babeland.com; Sextoy.com). Most women, we have found, tend to orgasm quite quickly by using a vibrator on or near their clitoris.

Now that you know what it feels like, you can either continue using the vibrator, or switch back to your hand during masturbation recognizing that it may take longer than you originally thought (at least at the beginning!) to reach the point of climax.

Second, and this is a hard one, but if you are able to, talk with your partner about it. If he knows, then together you can work on your orgasm … you can communicate during sex as to what feels good and what isn’t really doing it for you. And I’m sure he would want to know … not only because he cares for you, but because it will certainly make him a better lover long term.

One note, many women aren’t able to orgasm through intercourse, especially those that have only recently begun climaxing. It’s not easy because many positions don’t allow for direct stimulation on your clitoris.

However, climaxing during sex is wonderful, so there are a few methods you can use to obtain this feeling. One, if you are able to climax manually at this time during masturbation, then go ahead and stimulate yourself during sex. Doggie style is great for this, and so is missionary if your legs and his torso are positioned so that you can fit your hand in. A few men will be insulted because of this, but most think it’s really hot. Plus, if your partner knows that climaxing is a problem, he’ll welcome the self-stimulation!

Second, if you aren’t able yet to orgasm from manual stimulation, then you can consider using your vibrator during intercourse. There are also the vibrating cock rings, but they’re a little awkward, because they don’t tend to work when the man is simply thrusting.

Another approach is basic trial and error. By working together with your partner, you can determine what positions enable his pelvic bone to rub against your clitoris. Some popular ones include:

1) You on top, leaning forward, and moving back and forth instead of up and down.

2) Him on top, your legs are around him, and his body is positioned lower than traditionally so that his pelvis hits your clitoris.

3) Him on top, with your legs straight out in between his, so you are basically griping his penis and thrusting so that your clitoris is hitting the base.

Lastly, if you are still not able to have an orgasm during sex – (and don’t feel bad about it!! There’s **so** much to think about during sex, it’s not surprising it’s difficult to relax and climax) and you feel comfortable doing this, you can masturbate with your partner there. A nice way to do this is having him fondle and kiss you while you masturbate so you both are involved. Believe it or not, it’s actually quite fulfilling.

We also have a bunch of videos about this including:

How To Help Him Help You Reach Orgasm
Masturbation Evolution
Masturbation Techniques
Favorite Orgasm Positions
Best Positions For Climaxing

We talk about masturbation often on Cherry TV because it’s a great way to learn about our bodies and comfortably connect with the feelings that turn us on!

There are many benefits to masturbation…..

It is the safest sex we can have that gives us all the pleasure without any unwanted consequences- no std’s, no pregnancy, no problem!

It allows us to get to know our bodies better and know what pleases us. We are taught how to take charge of our orgasms ourselves rather than passively having them-or not having them.

Once we know our bodies then we can transfer that knowledge to our partners. This way if an orgasm doesn’t happen during intercourse you can incorporate masturbation into the bedroom.

We have a great introduction to masturbation by Jamye Waxman, one of our marvelous sex experts. You can watch it here: Intro To Masturbation

According to Jamye, men and women masturbate for the same reasons, to feel good and relax.

In the video, she gives several tips on how to masturbate and become more in tuned with the body’s sensations.

1) “Set the Mood”: Make sure your environment is calming and relaxing. Adjust the lighting, add candles, put on the nice satin sheets, do anything to make yourself feel comfortable.

2) “Relax and Free Your Mind” : Enjoy the feelings coming from your body, fantasize, get in touch with your body with self massage and enjoy the ride.

3) Technique “Rubbing the Public Mound” : Start by rubbing the public mound (the fatty, padded part of vagina) in either a circular or back and fourth motion. This usually indirectly stimulates the clitoris which is the main source of sexual pleasure in women. Then try to touch along the lips of the vagina and along the opening. This allows you to tease yourself and become more aroused.

4) Technique “ Stimulating the Clitoris” : When you are fully aroused, take the time to explore the clit. You want to lick your fingers or use lube when touching your clitoris so it’s nice and wet. Be gentle when exploring this area because the clit has between 6000-8000 nerve endings and it’s the only body part designed only for pleasure (we ladies are so lucky).

5) Explore: Now that you are intimately getting to know your body, this is the time to see what works and what does not. In the video, Jamye says that as you reach orgasm, clenching the pc muscles (the ones used to stop urine flow) can intensify these feelings. Also some women may have trouble reaching orgasm without the use of a toy such as a vibrator. This is ok, vibrators are excellent to use in order to reach orgasm. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to masturbate. As Jamye says in the video “Do what feels fantastic”.

We agree! And this is just one way to masturbate. Basically, any time you are stimulating yourself sexually, whether you are playing with your clitoris, fondling your vagina, inserting a clean sex toy or another apparatus (with a condom on it!! Never put anything with the potential to carry germs inside your body without cleaning or covering it!), or all of the above, it’s masturbation. If you continue long enough to climax, great! But if you get tired and stop, that’s fine too. It’s all about what feels good – there’s no rules when it comes to masturbation or sexual stimulation. Simply enjoy!

If you want to learn more, here are additional Cherry TV videos on masturbation:
Great Things About Masturbation!
Learning To Masturbate
Masturbation Techniques

This discussion comes soon after the announcement by Stephanie that she has yet to have an orgasm (Orgasms With A Lover, Part 1 & Orgasms With A Lover, Part 2). She also admits that she doesn’t masturbate, believing that if she’s going to masturbate, she might as well just invite her man over.

Here the ladies are trying to convenience her that there are benefits to masturbation – things you can learn about yourself alone that you can’t with a partner. However, I think what Rosemary says is a really good point … reaching orgasm alone is easier that with a partner because of the stimuli that goes on during sex.

I think that’s a concept we need to explore more. Yes, climaxing during masturbation is the route to climaxing with a partner; however, the two experiences are incredibly different – even if you come with a partner during self-stimulation.

One major difference is position. We often masturbate on our backs with our legs either bent or straight out. During sex, on top or doggie style tend to be more self-stimulation-friendly.

Another is headspace. During masturbation, all we are concerned with is our own enjoyment. Yet, during sex, we’re often conscious of our partner’s enjoyment and how it’s progressing.

A third is direct stimulation. During masturbation we’re usually still. However, sex involves a lot of movement.

Those are just three … I’m sure there’s more. But the bottom line is reaching orgasm during masturbation is a different experience than reaching orgasm with a partner. Sure, the two are relatable, but at their core, they are separate animals!

Watch Video: Comfort With Climaxing

I love the concept of “go to” orgasm positions – I unfortunately, do not have one. However as the women were discussing in the video, their “go tos” tend to be with a particular partner. But some women have “go tos” they can bust out with any partner. Lucky ladies!

Personally, a number of factors need to be in place to climax during a specific sex session. It can be any combination of the following …. mentally present (me and him), sufficient warm up time, feeling emotionally close with my partner, his level of arousal/sense of desire for me, the physicality of our bodies, and my ability to self-stimulate … to name a few (heh). Sometimes they all need to be present — sometimes I can get off without any being present except my ability to masturbate

Do you have a go to? What factors need to be present for you in order to orgasm? We would love to know. There’s a ton of us out here that need help and the more information we have the better…

Watch Video: Orgasm “Go To” Positions

There was an Op Ed in the New York Times
the other day about “hooking up” and how we’re no longer dating, but going out in groups and having sex with friends, or friends of friends … we may become friends with benefits … but if the opportunity (and interest) is there, we’ll move on to the next hook-up.

And this is supposed to be news?

I’m reading this article and thinking about today’s video — having sex, for a long time, without ever having had an orgasm. And I’m thinking about the millions of girls out there whose majority of “numbers” are somewhat drunken hookups … and therefore have never experienced orgasm.

Especially if they do not masturbate and don’t know what orgasm even feels like. I’ve had so many conversations where friends have said “I think I’ve had an orgasm” – translation, I don’t really think I’ve had one but that’s crazy because I’ve had so much sex!

While hook-ups are fun, they unfortunately don’t tend to result in the best sex. In our society sex revolves around the guy getting off. It’s not sex unless he climaxes. If we come – bonus (there are many men who don’t feel this way, but society as a whole dictates that ideal)!

Since hook ups tend to be short-lived we’re not able to be with someone long enough to learn each others bodies, open up, and figure out together what we, as an equal partner, need out of the session to climax or at least get close.

And of course, as we say all the time on Cherry TV – masturbating certainly helps one reach orgasm. It enables you to know what gets you off, so you can then show your partner. Yeah, he/she can try to figure out, but it will probably take a lot longer that way.

Hook-ups will always be a part of single life (if you’re into it, if you’re not – don’t do it!!!). The key is to make them as fulfilling as possible. Reaching orgasm is a great way to do it!

Watch Video: Sex Galore But No Big O

Welcome to the new Cherry TV blog!  Despite blogs being “so 2004″ as a number of Internet journalist declare, we wanted a convient way to communicate with viewers and post fun stuff, so … here we go!

So, who am I?  I’m the creator of Cherry TV.  I had wanted to avoid presenting anything personal about my sex life, or myself, but have come to terms with it since we decided we need a blog (and all “how to blog” articles say “be personal!”).

So … basically, I created Cherry TV for my younger self. When I was in college  –  I was scared of sex.  I was completely self-conscious about my body and felt most comfortable having sex when I was drunk.  As I got older I didn’t think I was very good at it and didn’t know where to turn to learn more.

I also didn’t masturbate much and wasn’t in tuned to my own sexual responses.

The rest of the story is on the site at http://www.cherrytv.com/about.php

But Cherry TV isn’t just for women who aren’t comfortable with sex – we hope!  We try to be as inclusive as possible and hope all women who want to learn more about sex and hear fun stories log on.   And we want to hear from you –  what you want, what you like and what you don’t.  Truly, there are so many ways to explore sex, we want to insure our audience is benefiting from our content.

That’s a good first post, I think … I hope.  These things aren’t supposed to be too long I hear.

Oh, one last thing … sometimes my grammar is whacked and I tend to create a ridiculous amount of typos.  I’m crazy careful on the site, but honestly, I just don’t have the time to worry about it too much here.  This blog is already adding to my crazy-arse daily workload, so if I had to worry about grammar, arg.  Okay, that’s my copy disclaimer.