It’s no new breakthrough that communication can improve sex lives.  However, it’s not always easier said than done, as the saying goes.  Many people feel uneasy speaking about sex with their partners for a variety of reasons.  Some simply want to avoid hurting their loved ones’ feelings.  Others feel awkward taking the more demanding role within the relationship.  For whatever reason, it’s totally common to struggle with sexual communication.  Even our Cherry Dishers, who normally have no problem kissing and telling, sometimes find themselves speechless in the bedroom.  Luckily, a little communication can go a long way.  Here’s a few tips for incorporating positive sexual communication into your relationship.

How-To Improve Your Sexual Communication

(1) Integrate the yes/no’s.  Sexual communication doesn’t have to mean giving drawn-out, convoluted speeches.  Certainly, if you and your partner feel comfortable getting into the nitty-gritty details, go for it!  However, if this doesn’t seem like a viable option, look for yes-or-no answers.  For instance, ask questions such as “Does this feel good?”  “Would you like it harder/softer?” and so on.  This will help take the pressure off your partner and may encourage him or her to take a similar approach when it’s your turn.

(2) Use constructive criticism.  As discussed in this episode, it’s very important how you approach talking about what you want from your partner.  There’s a major difference between saying “This really sucks!” and “That other thing felt really good.”   In order to prevent bruising your partner’s ego, remember to keep his or her feelings in mind.  It’s almost always more effective to incorporate a few compliments in with your suggestions than to immediately attack another person’s performance.

(3) Don’t pretend to be a mind reader.  Many people think there’s no need to ask questions.  Perhaps they’ve read every self-help book on the market, or maybe they’ve been with enough men or women to believe they’ve reached expertise status.  Even still, every partner has different desires.  Not only that, but people’s likes and dislikes often fluctuate throughout a relationship.  Don’t suppose you know it all.  You know what they say about assuming…

(4) If you say ‘no’ to really mean ‘yes,’ designate a safe word first.  Generally speaking, when a person says no, it really means no.  This word is you or your partner’s cue to back off.  Seriously.   However, some couples, especially those engaging in S&M, may say ‘no’ as part of a game in their sexual play.  If this is the case, it can be helpful to first designate a safe word that will signal you or your partner to immediately quit whatever’s going on.  This word should be something completely unrelated, such as ‘unicorn,’ that’s decided upon by both individuals before things get heated up.  That way, there will be no confusion about when to stop.

If you normally never talk, it may be helpful to begin with very basic communication techniques (such as placing your partner’s hand where you want it) and then slowly working your way up to more detailed, verbal instructions.  Sexual communication can be tricky; yet, for many, it’s something worth working on.  After all, it can lead to increased intimacy even outside of the bedroom.  So, don’t hold back- speak your mind (but don’t forget to be a good listener, too!)

Spanking during sex is like ordering onion rings with your burger…you can’t do it all the time, you need to be in the mood, it’s not necessarily traditional, it’s not for everyone, however, for the right person at the right time, it definitely hits the spot.

A lot of women enjoy being the spanked, especially when doing it doggy-style. There is something about that second of hand on skin contact that can be so primal and hot. Often the first spank can happen accidentally or in the heat of the moment, while other times your partner may be more intentional with it. Either way, it is best for the first contact to happen after a few minutes of penetration after a rhythm and mood is established. The best technique is if he switches areas or butt cheeks and mixes the slapping in with some rubbing to smooth out the initial pain. This is a great time to bring some dirty talk into the mix to tell your partner if you want more, how hard, and how you like it. Bringing in the verbal communication helps your partner understand what you like and how to please you.

On average, men tend to be more of the spankers while women tend to me more of the grabbers. A great grabbing position is on your back, sometimes with one leg over his shoulder and grabbing his ass for more control over the penetration. This technique seems to be a win-win because on the bottom you can still have control and can target your G-spot, and he can get deeper inside you.

Watching this video again helped me realize that what I thought had been confirmed as ‘man-fact’ for me, that men like to separate their one-night stands from the ladies they date (akin to a Madonna/Whore complex), is only a trend. Like any rule, there are the exceptions, and human beings, when you look at them long enough, are all made of beautiful exceptions.

The only commonality I can now find between my and the ladies’ stories of meeting our now-partners, was that it seems like none of us were expecting it, we were just open to the experience of being with a certain person. I think that when I freed myself from thinking about my now-boyfriend from a place of ‘courtship’ and neediness, and just from a genuine place of enjoying being with someone, I also freed myself from falling into the same emotional traps I set for myself in the past.

Love is something everyone has been trying to figure out for centuries, and I certainly can’t understand it, the only thing I know for sure is that it’s out there.