Dominance/submission (a.k.a. Dom/sub, Ds, D/s, and D&s) is generally described as a type of play in which one person exercises control over another. Unfortunately, this definition over-simplifies ideas of power, potentially leading to misconceptions of D/s. It also neglects the many complexities and possibilities involved with how D/s may manifest within a relationship. Nevertheless, it seems that any definition of D/s would require some disclaimers and footnotes. So, rather than conjuring up another description, we’ll instead give you a quick ‘101’ on what we definitely know D/s is not.

Top 6 Myths about Dominance/submission:

(1) D/s is strictly kink. For some people, D/s can translate into ‘kinky sex’ or sadomasochism. (Think bondage, master/slave role play, verbal humiliation, etc.) Yet, for many others, D/s fits perfectly into their ‘vanilla’ sex lives. (Think delaying orgasm, giving orders, light spanking, and so on.) There is truly an entire spectrum of activities, which people may consider to fall under the category of D/s. Resist the urge to pigeon-hole!

(2) D/s is strictly physical. Physical contact does not actually have to be a component or goal of D/s. In fact, some individuals partaking in D/s may never even meet their partners in person. (Non-physical examples could include communication through phone calls and emails.)

(3) The role you play in D/s shows whether you’re normally dominant or submissive. In some situations, dominant lovers consider themselves to be generally dominant people, and likewise. However, for others, it can be the reverse. For instance, some individuals who feel they must normally exemplify strength and dominance enjoy being sexually submissive as a type of break from reality. This myth gets a bit sticky to explain, as the exact motivation(s) behind any person’s preference is normally unknown.

(4) One person is always dominant; the other is always submissive. Many people enjoy both roles and regularly switch back-and-forth within individual sessions or throughout their relationships (thus acquiring the nickname ‘switch.’) Also, some individuals are submissive with one partner and dominant with the next. D/s roles do not have to be set in stone.

(5) Dominant lovers are inherently cruel. Most people who are into D/s report the opposite. ‘Doms’ need to be well-educated on how to pleasure (and not seriously hurt) their partners. Therefore, many spend a great deal of time researching before they try anything out. Some even choose to have the acts performed on themselves beforehand for some good, old-fashioned trial-and-error experimentation. D/s can obviously involve a great deal of trust. It’s for this reason that many people find dominant partners to actually be quite caring and thoughtful in sexual relationships.

(6) D/s is abusive. D/s relationships should not be unhealthy. It’s important to note that D/s must be consensual. The roles and conditions may be designated through conversation, or actual written contracts can be utilized. (This does not mean that you can’t back out!) Also, ‘safe-words’ are frequently used to ensure that both partners are aware of when they need to stop (see our past article on sexual communication). With that being said, some D/s relationships, like any other type of relationship, can become unhealthy or abusive. If this is the case, you should stop and seek professional help, if necessary.

To find out how our Cherry Dishers view D/s and power relations, check out the following videos:

Sex & Power

Sexual Power Plays

It’s no new breakthrough that communication can improve sex lives. However, it’s not always easier said than done, as the saying goes. Many people feel uneasy speaking about sex with their partners for a variety of reasons. Some simply want to avoid hurting their loved ones’ feelings. Others feel awkward taking the more demanding role within the relationship. For whatever reason, it’s totally common to struggle with sexual communication. Even our Cherry Dishers, who normally have no problem kissing and telling, sometimes find themselves speechless in the bedroom. Luckily, a little communication can go a long way. Here are a few tips for incorporating positive sexual communication into your relationship.

How-To Improve Your Sexual Communication

(1) Integrate the yes/no’s. Sexual communication doesn’t have to mean giving drawn-out, convoluted speeches. Certainly, if you and your partner feel comfortable getting into the nitty-gritty details, go for it! However, if this doesn’t seem like a viable option, look for yes-or-no answers. For instance, ask questions such as “Does this feel good?” “Would you like it harder/softer?” and so on. This will help take the pressure off your partner and may encourage him or her to take a similar approach when it’s your turn.

(2) Use constructive criticism. As discussed in this episode, it’s very important how you approach talking about what you want from your partner. There’s a major difference between saying “This really sucks!” and “That other thing felt really good.” In order to prevent bruising your partner’s ego, remember to keep his or her feelings in mind. It’s almost always more effective to incorporate a few compliments in with your suggestions than to immediately attack another person’s performance.

(3) Don’t pretend to be a mind reader. Many people think there’s no need to ask questions. Perhaps they’ve read every self-help book on the market, or maybe they’ve been with enough men or women to believe they’ve reached expertise status. Even still, every partner has different desires. Not only that, but people’s likes and dislikes often fluctuate throughout a relationship. Don’t suppose you know it all. You know what they say about assuming…

(4) If you say ‘no’ to really mean ‘yes,’ designate a safe word first. Generally speaking, when a person says no, it really means no. This word is you or your partner’s cue to back off. Seriously. However, some couples, especially those engaging in S&M, may say ‘no’ as part of a game in their sexual play. If this is the case, it can be helpful to first designate a safe word that will signal you or your partner to immediately quit whatever’s going on. This word should be something completely unrelated, such as ‘unicorn,’ that’s decided upon by both individuals before things get heated up. That way, there will be no confusion about when to stop.

If you normally never talk, it may be helpful to begin with very basic communication techniques (such as placing your partner’s hand where you want it) and then slowly working your way up to more detailed, verbal instructions. Sexual communication can be tricky; yet, for many, it’s something worth working on. After all, it can lead to increased intimacy even outside of the bedroom. So, don’t hold back- speak your mind (but don’t forget to be a good listener, too!)