Weird on first glance … but not surprising when you get into it - a study just released from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that men were more likely to say “I love you” to the woman first. Granted, this was determined by only interviewing 205 heterosexual women and men - not a huge sampling nor very scientific approach — yet it did show that men tended said “I love you” first … on average almost six weeks before women! The reason, they believe, is SEX. And intercourse. Surprise! heh.

Men most often said “I love you” first when they hadn’t had sex yet. Women, on the other hand, waited until the relationship had been consummated before saying the three little words.

Therefore, can we deduce men are hoping - albeit subconsciously — that saying “I love you” would lead to sex? And/or when a woman “holds out,” she makes the guy want her more? Sadly, this study seems to indicate both notions.

It also shows how big a role biology plays in the mating game. Women feel closer to a guy once they’ve had sex, finding it easier to open up and say “I love you”- and hence indicating, if necessary, that she’s committed should their coupling produce offspring. On the flip side, once a man had “planted his seed,” it’s easier for him to move on. Saying “I love you” is no longer necessary because he accomplished his job.

It’s crazy how our genetic/biological make-up as a species still dictates the practice and experiences today. Yet, it’s easy to forget that fact when enmeshed in the messy conflux of love, sex, relationship and desire.

My take away - and hopefully a lot of us ladies will remember this - I love you doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. Vulnerability and openness is important in a relationship. But so is communication. And if you’re not ready to have sex yet, don’t let an “I love you,” sway you too quickly!

Since spring is in the air — and spring fever (the desire for more sex!) often accompanies it — I thought it’s a good time to bring up the issue of boundaries. Sexual boundaries are often difficult to navigate - especially when they are contrary to what our friends do, what our family wants and/or what our social scene dictates.

And when our sexual boundaries are set, men will sometimes try to push past them. It can be intimidating and hard to hold on. During sex or a make-out session, when we’re at the point where we don’t want to go farther, the guy can be insistent that we keep going. And he’ll give a lot of seemingly reasonable reasons like “But I like you so much and just want to get closer,” “If we stop now I’ll get ‘blue balls’,” and “Don’t worry, we won’t go farther than X.”

Besides pressure from our partner, sometimes WE want to go beyond our boundaries. We’re aroused, having fun, and don’t want to stop (or at least stop at the boundary point)! Add alcohol into the mix, and it’s even harder not to throw our reserves out the window!

For many of us though, setting boundaries before a date is important. It enables us to feel comfortable in the moment — yet establishes a specific point when arousal is not part of the equation — in which we know we’ll feel uncomfortable … or regret afterwords. It’s difficult, but worth it in the end.

One concern we may have when exerting boundaries is that we’ll be called a tease. In theory, we have the right to say no at any time — and it’s totally a misogynistic concept — but unfortunately, some women develop a reputation as a “tease.”

My solution (and I’ve asked a number of guys about this and they all agree it is a good one), is if during the make-out session I don’t put my hand on his penis (over or under his pants), then I don’t feel responsible for helping him get off. Granted, I can rub other parts of my body over that area, but if I don’t put my hand there, I don’t worry about “teasing.” Some guys will grab your hand and try to put it there, but it’s important to say NO in that situation, however hard it may be. It’s rude and inappropriate, and he has to know you will not be manipulated like that.

What I’ll also do to help establish my boundaries is mention them on the way home or to his place to make-out. That way he knows ahead of time what to expect, and if he wants more, I just remind him that I had already told him the limit.

Still - it’s a rough road to travel, establishing and keeping sexual boundaries isn’t easy. In my experience though, it gets easier … and I no longer wake up with that dreaded question “Oh shite, what did I do?”

Check out this video where the women discuss boundaries: Saying Yes and No to Sex

It’s no new breakthrough that communication can improve sex lives.  However, it’s not always easier said than done, as the saying goes.  Many people feel uneasy speaking about sex with their partners for a variety of reasons.  Some simply want to avoid hurting their loved ones’ feelings.  Others feel awkward taking the more demanding role within the relationship.  For whatever reason, it’s totally common to struggle with sexual communication.  Even our Cherry Dishers, who normally have no problem kissing and telling, sometimes find themselves speechless in the bedroom.  Luckily, a little communication can go a long way.  Here’s a few tips for incorporating positive sexual communication into your relationship.

How-To Improve Your Sexual Communication

(1) Integrate the yes/no’s.  Sexual communication doesn’t have to mean giving drawn-out, convoluted speeches.  Certainly, if you and your partner feel comfortable getting into the nitty-gritty details, go for it!  However, if this doesn’t seem like a viable option, look for yes-or-no answers.  For instance, ask questions such as “Does this feel good?”  “Would you like it harder/softer?” and so on.  This will help take the pressure off your partner and may encourage him or her to take a similar approach when it’s your turn.

(2) Use constructive criticism.  As discussed in this episode, it’s very important how you approach talking about what you want from your partner.  There’s a major difference between saying “This really sucks!” and “That other thing felt really good.”   In order to prevent bruising your partner’s ego, remember to keep his or her feelings in mind.  It’s almost always more effective to incorporate a few compliments in with your suggestions than to immediately attack another person’s performance.

(3) Don’t pretend to be a mind reader.  Many people think there’s no need to ask questions.  Perhaps they’ve read every self-help book on the market, or maybe they’ve been with enough men or women to believe they’ve reached expertise status.  Even still, every partner has different desires.  Not only that, but people’s likes and dislikes often fluctuate throughout a relationship.  Don’t suppose you know it all.  You know what they say about assuming…

(4) If you say ‘no’ to really mean ‘yes,’ designate a safe word first.  Generally speaking, when a person says no, it really means no.  This word is you or your partner’s cue to back off.  Seriously.   However, some couples, especially those engaging in S&M, may say ‘no’ as part of a game in their sexual play.  If this is the case, it can be helpful to first designate a safe word that will signal you or your partner to immediately quit whatever’s going on.  This word should be something completely unrelated, such as ‘unicorn,’ that’s decided upon by both individuals before things get heated up.  That way, there will be no confusion about when to stop.

If you normally never talk, it may be helpful to begin with very basic communication techniques (such as placing your partner’s hand where you want it) and then slowly working your way up to more detailed, verbal instructions.  Sexual communication can be tricky; yet, for many, it’s something worth working on.  After all, it can lead to increased intimacy even outside of the bedroom.  So, don’t hold back- speak your mind (but don’t forget to be a good listener, too!)

Bad Sex – whoa, have I had my share of bad sex! My first two years of college was just one big bout of bad sex. They were bad …. I was bad … the whole thing was just fumbling and awkward. There are a ton of guys out there who would think I am the last person who should be involved in a sex site.

First, my ineptitude. Often alcohol was involved — I was scared of sex and needed to be drunk in order to feel relaxed to even contemplate having intercourse. I was also incredibly self-conscious about my body. I was barely comfortable being naked by myself, not to mention with another person. And to top it all off, I didn’t masturbate at the time so I was not familiar with my sexual responses or what felt good to me.

When I did have sex, I concentrated on him – making sure he seemed to have a good time. But I wasn’t present so even though I was focused on him, I wasn’t able to sense what he needed or wanted from me. I had problems getting into the rhythm, would switch positions are weird times, and didn’t know what to do with my legs. Eek. I’m getting embarrassed just thinking about it.

Now, his ineptitude – it’s pretty basic … the jackhammer. The jackhammer that goes on, and on and on, our vagina’s get numb. I, like many women, thought, “is this what sex is about?” if so, I don’t need it.

Luckily things changed. I found my clitoris, started masturbating, and was with a few guys who were interested in my needs.

I’m older now and still encounter bad sex. Like the women in the video, if I’m in a position that doesn’t feel good, I will certainly try to maneuver out of it. Or, if something is being done to be that I don’t like, I will just start doing something to him so he stops. But unlike Katie in the video, who will direct them during the session, I will just say things like “Ouch” or “Slower” or even “You can come at any time” (heh).

It’s interesting, those first few times you’re with someone, because it is a window into how sexually compatible you are. Hopefully it’s amazing and hot right away!! But if not, through communication and honesty – if they’re worth the time – a level of sexual fulfillment can certainly be attained.