Dear Cherry-

All my young life I was an orgasm champ– seriously- from masturbating at 6 with friends or alone, to riding seemingly any man (later age!) I hopped on and got off, so to speak. Then I had a very crap relationship in which sexual humiliation occurred, and ever since, (that was about 7 years ago!!!) I cannot orgasm the same at all. I have had another relationship since, in which I was able to build my orgasms back up, and I was so happy and am happy for that, but as far as one-night stands, it is horrible. I can be extremely turned on but when I decide to go for it, I am not really there, because I am worried that I won’t orgasm. I concentrate hard and it makes it worse. Of course I can orgasm by myself, though, in under a minute.

I feel my vagina is on strike. It bothers me. I want to be in charge here, bad choices and all.

Any thoughts??
Thanks,
anonymous!

Dear Anonymous,

Yes, it’s really hard and quite depressing know that you are unable to experience orgasm in situations that you used to be quite orgasmic in.

Basically, it appears as if something is going on psychologically and opposed to physically - and we are certainly not qualified to council you on emotional issues that may be playing a part. However, there are many great therapists out there who specialize in sex that you may want to talk to.

Keep in the mind though that the more you focus on your orgasm, the less likely it will happen. And it sounds as if you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself - it’s working against you. Sex does not have to be about orgasm. It’s the whole experience, and if it ends in orgasm - awesome.

And, if as you say, your old motivation is gone - then it would be quite helpful to try and figure out why you are sleeping with whomever you are sleeping with. As we age, we respond differently to the intimacy that develops during sex. I’ve known a number of women who decided to be celibate in order to figure out what they wanted sexually.

Lastly, since you are able to come on your own would you feel comfortable self-stimulating during sex so you know you’ll at least get off during the session? Masturbation is always a great way to come!

Anyway, good luck! And let us know when ensues!

~ Cherry TV

And, here’s some videos on the issue: Do I Have A Disorder?,  Check Your Head For Sex