It’s no new breakthrough that communication can improve sex lives. However, it’s not always easier said than done, as the saying goes. Many people feel uneasy speaking about sex with their partners for a variety of reasons. Some simply want to avoid hurting their loved ones’ feelings. Others feel awkward taking the more demanding role within the relationship. For whatever reason, it’s totally common to struggle with sexual communication. Even our Cherry Dishers, who normally have no problem kissing and telling, sometimes find themselves speechless in the bedroom. Luckily, a little communication can go a long way. Here’s a few tips for incorporating positive sexual communication into your relationship.
How-To Improve Your Sexual Communication
(1) Integrate the yes/no’s. Sexual communication doesn’t have to mean giving drawn-out, convoluted speeches. Certainly, if you and your partner feel comfortable getting into the nitty-gritty details, go for it! However, if this doesn’t seem like a viable option, look for yes-or-no answers. For instance, ask questions such as “Does this feel good?” “Would you like it harder/softer?” and so on. This will help take the pressure off your partner and may encourage him or her to take a similar approach when it’s your turn.
(2) Use constructive criticism. As discussed in this episode, it’s very important how you approach talking about what you want from your partner. There’s a major difference between saying “This really sucks!” and “That other thing felt really good.” In order to prevent bruising your partner’s ego, remember to keep his or her feelings in mind. It’s almost always more effective to incorporate a few compliments in with your suggestions than to immediately attack another person’s performance.
(3) Don’t pretend to be a mind reader. Many people think there’s no need to ask questions. Perhaps they’ve read every self-help book on the market, or maybe they’ve been with enough men or women to believe they’ve reached expertise status. Even still, every partner has different desires. Not only that, but people’s likes and dislikes often fluctuate throughout a relationship. Don’t suppose you know it all. You know what they say about assuming…
(4) If you say ‘no’ to really mean ‘yes,’ designate a safe word first. Generally speaking, when a person says no, it really means no. This word is you or your partner’s cue to back off. Seriously. However, some couples, especially those engaging in S&M, may say ‘no’ as part of a game in their sexual play. If this is the case, it can be helpful to first designate a safe word that will signal you or your partner to immediately quit whatever’s going on. This word should be something completely unrelated, such as ‘unicorn,’ that’s decided upon by both individuals before things get heated up. That way, there will be no confusion about when to stop.
If you normally never talk, it may be helpful to begin with very basic communication techniques (such as placing your partner’s hand where you want it) and then slowly working your way up to more detailed, verbal instructions. Sexual communication can be tricky; yet, for many, it’s something worth working on. After all, it can lead to increased intimacy even outside of the bedroom. So, don’t hold back- speak your mind (but don’t forget to be a good listener, too!)